The Perch

This Boy...Again!!

2012-02-12T14:16:00.000-05:00

I first wrote this post on August 17, 2009...I am reposting it and asking you to pray.

This boy...

chosen by God

marked for a purpose

Floundering

wondering

why and when will he know

"Don't we all have a purpose"?

Yes.

"I don't"

Oh yes son, you do!!

This boy...

with a heart toward God

yet a heart overcome with fear.

A heart filled with sadness

Loss

Feeling unworthy

Questions

"I pray but

He doesn't hear me

He doesn't bless me"

This boy

wonders what he did.

How do you tell him that he did nothing.

Wondering why his dad left

why is his mom sick

why can't he do better in school

Why?

No answers.

But this I know.

This boy...

is loved!

This boy...

loves!

This boy

may not feel blessed

but he IS a blessing.

This boy will be used by God.

He will have a story.

He will reach out.

This boy...

how I love him.

Thank you God, for entrusting him to me.

Hello!!

2011-10-25T08:15:00.002-04:00

Yes, we are still alive.

I actually remembered how to find my own blog and sign in.

Thing is....I do not even know where to begin writing.

If you still check in here, could you give me a little help?

Leave me a comment or shoot me an email. Let me know what you think I should write about. Or ask me a question. Or tell me your favorite verse. Or just leave me a note and let me know you are still reading.

I want to be more intentional about how I live my life and part of that involves getting back to writing.

Still seeking and SEEING the Beauty from Ashes!

Only For Me

2011-06-26T01:31:00.001-04:00

This is just for me..... need to have a record of it here.

My Mom

2011-05-08T11:49:00.003-04:00

Let me tell you a little about my mom. She was a "surprise" child born MANY years after her sisters. So for most of her years at home so was an only child. She was raised by parents who loved her dearly but her dad was an alcoholic who often chose the bottle over family. She has memories of her mom having to go and "get him" many times.

My mom placed her faith in Jesus as a young child and has never stopped growing in that faith. She received Christ's gift of salvation and she will be the first to tell you that she could not have done her life without him.

When my mom was 35 years old with 3 young children, her husband (my dad) died. He had battled leukemia for three years and God took him home on New Year's Day in 1974. So here she was alone...but NOT. She has amazing stories of God's faithfulness to our family during those times.

Within the next 4 years she would lose both her parents. So she really was alone and had to depend on her Lord like not many of us have to do.

God brought her an amazing man and they later married. (Mind you....I didn't think he was so amazing at the time. ha) They have been the best parents I could have ever asked for.

I know that once you are a mother you are always a mother. But during the past 4 years she has really had to take back on the role of "mothering" me. During my illness. Divorce. Loss. Financial hardships. Heartache. She has "mothered" me again. There are not words to describe how grateful I am.

One of her favorite verses is Isaiah 41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand".

My mom has walked out her faith every single day. She BELIEVES what she believes and it is evident to anyone who is blessed to know you.

Mom....I rise up and call you blessed. I love you!

Proof of His Blessings

2011-05-05T10:16:00.003-04:00

I know that many of you are familiar with this song. But, please listen before you read my words...

Every time I hear that song the tears just flow down my face. Such truth. We pray for we think we need, what we think we want....but God in all His love and mercy sometimes answers in the completely opposite way.

Can I say that I sit here today grateful for this illness. Yes, grateful!! It is not easy, but I sure would have missed so many blessings without it.

I am grateful for the struggles of teenagers. Not that I wish heartache, pain, angst for my teens. But through it I know that they will be stronger. I KNOW it! They will be used of God in ways that others can't, simply because of their experiences.

I am grateful for the heartache of the past couple months since my relationship ended with "my man". Why am I grateful? Because God showed me who I am. The pain also forced me to be vulnerable with others in my life. I couldn't "stuff" this pain...it just kept coming out. Friendships have flourished like I never would have imagined! Most of all, God in His mercy, snatched me back out of the pit of "neediness" and showed me my true worth.

Blessings come in forms we never imagine. Through the loss of my dad as a child I was given the gift of the most amazing "second dad" ever! Through the loss of my health I was given the blessing of this blog and you. Even in the loss of my marriage I have the blessing of a good relationship with Don.

Through pain God can and does bless us. We need to be looking for His hand in it. He is always there. He is always IN IT with us.

I don't know what blessings you are praying for today. I don't know what hurts you are experiencing. But I do know.....that I have been in the fire and in the pit. And I can testify that GOD IS GOOD! All the time.

He really does bring beauty from the ashes....I am proof.

Sifted

2011-04-29T11:46:00.002-04:00

Whoa!

I didn't see that coming.....

Many of you have noticed how things have changed around here at The Perch. Not the look of it but what I have to say. Which hasn't been much lately.

God allowed me to be sifted over the past 18 months. I didn't realize that is what it was until a few nights ago. My background is one of severe insecurity. I want to be chosen, desired, wanted, found beautiful. I know those are common themes among women but for me it was a stronghold. Led me to make some destructive choices. Led me to marry the wrong person because someone had chosen me.

These past four years have been the toughest of my life. Illness. Divorce. Children with deep heartache. A child making decisions with possibly lifelong consequences. Financial hardship. Loneliness. Tears.

But in that time God brought me to a place where I really sought HIM. I finally found peace and contentment in knowing that I was chosen by God. He wanted me if no man did. And I started to write. Through this blog I have made lifelong friends. I have found healing. And I believe God was using it to impact others as well.

Satan wasn't very happy about the direction my life was taking and I believe he asked God if I could be sifted. A man came along about 18 months ago....out of nowhere. I was sure he was from God because I had not gone looking. I did not "go out". I never asked anyone to find me a man. This man, who I had known years ago but not spoken to since high school came into my life and we fell in love. We talked of our future.

Guess where I found my worth? In him instead of in HIM. Those same insecurities came back. Would he stay? Would he love me forever? Was I beautiful enough? A month ago he ended the relationship very suddenly and I looked up and asked God "what was that all about"?

I cried like never before. My heart literally ached! However, when God revealed to me the other night that I just might have been sifted, things started to change. Sifting is good. It reveals how deep our faith is.(or isn't) It removes impurities. It means we are a threat to satan. I know that I need to really, really believe where my worth comes from.

A man came thousands of years ago to die for ME. Yesterday I posted a song. The irony of the song choice did not dawn on me until last night. Many years ago I did a Beth Moore study and she said that one day God would call us by a new name. She asked us to think of what that name might be and immediately the name "Beautiful" came to my mind. I have always wanted to be beautiful but now it has new meaning. I want God to find me beautiful. That my heart would be pure. That I would take Him at His word....He does love me....He does desire to spend time with me....He does think I am worthy....If no other man ever comes along may I find true love in Jesus.

You're Beautiful

2011-04-28T17:53:00.002-04:00

God has words he wants me to share. Tomorrow. But for now He wants you and me to hear the words to this song and BELIEVE....see you tomorrow.

His Love

2011-04-15T22:29:00.002-04:00

This is really just for me....Lord Jesus, please help me to believe, REALLY BELIEVE how much you love me. And if there is someone else out there who needs to fully understand your love....

Nothing

2011-04-14T17:44:00.003-04:00

I keep coming here to write. And there are no words. Usually when I feel compelled to write, God just writes it for me. I have nothing. But wanted you all to know I am alive. Thanks for your loving concern. Praying that God will once again use me here. Until then...looking for the beauty from the ash.

Ash...Beauty

2011-03-24T13:39:00.003-04:00

Ash...

It's what comes from fire

Fire hurts

It's painful

It destroys

Ash...

The leftover

All that remains

Useless

Or is it?

Ash...

What will I do with it?

Why is there even more?

When will God stop the fires?

Maybe He won't stop the refining until it is ALL ash and I realize HE IS ALL I NEED

Ash...

God promises to bring beauty from it

But I have to give it to Him

Let go

Dear God...please...bring on the beauty!

**Added 3 hours after I published..."One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple. For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock." Psalm 27: 5-6

He Calls Us

2011-03-01T06:03:00.002-05:00

Me again...anyone still reading.

Back in the fall, I told you that I was able to go back to Bible study. We are studying the book of Isaiah for the entire year. Because of my health and family issues I have not been able to attend as often I would like. However, I am still loving picking apart God's Word and seeing what He has for me.

Here is a passage that spoke to me specifically. It is from Isaiah 40:25-26... “To whom will you compare me? Or who is my equal?” says the Holy One. Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one and calls forth each of them by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing."

There is NO equal to our God.
Nobody can be compared.

He created every single star. Do you have any idea how many stars there are? Actually nobody really knows, it is impossible. Yet, HE created every single one of them. The fact that He created them is not what really speaks to me though.

He calls them forth one by one and he knows them each by name. You know what that says to me....the stars don't just "happen" to come out every night. God calls to them. He is intentional. AND HE KNOWS EVERY ONE OF THEM BY NAME?! Incredible.

If He knows the names of the stars...how can we doubt for a second that He knows each one of us by name.

And do you see the last part of those verses? Not one of them is missing. Not one single star. To me that means that if one of His children "goes missing" or "walks away" or "needs His guiding hand" or "His loving touch"...God will use His great power and mighty strength and will keep calling out to that child by name.

I have friends and family going through heartache, carrying heavy burdens, facing big decisions, walking away from the Lord...

My friend lost the mother of his children suddenly, while she laid down for a nap.
I have a family member trying to find answers to a medical issue.
My own child has walked away from the Lord for now but has returned home to me.
Myself....I wonder if I will be ever fully healed, will I get to know the joy of marriage again, how will my little family come out of all this crisis on the other side?

Ya know what...God knows the names of the stars!!!! He knows the heart of each and every single one of His children. He is calling to us! What is he saying to you and to me?

Are we listening.......

Random While Waiting

2011-02-03T00:21:00.003-05:00

This is going to be all over the place, so hold on!!

If you read my last post you will remember that my One Word for this year is "Healed". I committed to living as someone who has received the ultimate healing because of Christ's sacrifice on the cross. Whoa...I did NOT know it was going to be so tough. Good thing we don't know what waits for us around the corner, huh?

Last night I received an email from someone wanting to encourage me. She shared some verses that as she said "brought her spiritual strength through the darkest of times".

We are having some dark times right now. Well, they seem dark when I look at them with my human eyes. David (my son) is no longer living here. It became apparent that if I didn't take action now he might stay on the road to self destruction. So, guess where he is staying? WITH HIS DAD!! Is David thrilled about this? No. But that is not the point. He needs a good dose of "dad" in his life and we are doing what we think is best for him.

So, back to those verses that were shared with me. Psalm 27: 13 & 14 "I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD".

I am believing that I will see the goodness of the LORD even in this situation. Already I see the beauty from the ash in the fact that David's dad is getting to spend time with him. He has wanted restoration of that relationship for over three years. I am not saying it is restored but it sure is a start. What satan meant for evil God will use for good.

My symptoms have been raging since the beginning of the year....where is God in that? Well, He sends people at just the right time, it kept me at home with plenty of time to pray over what to do about David, reminds me to be grateful for the ordinary....

Are you tired of waiting for God to show up in a certain situation? Guess what? He is already there! He just hasn't answered or acted in the way YOU want. Well it is not about us. It is all about HIM.

Take heart and wait for the LORD.....I am trying.

p.s. for those of you who have asked about "my man"....it was his mom that sent me those verses!!

Healed

2011-01-14T23:08:00.002-05:00

Healed.

That is my One Word for 2011. My friend Alece over at Grit and Glory writes a blog post at the beginning of each year where she challenges us to pick our one word. I have been dragging my feet writing this post because I don't know if I will be able to follow through with living out my word.

Healed.

Isaiah 53:5 says, "But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed. "

Do you see that? Don't miss how HUGE that is. He was pierced, crushed, punished and wounded so that we would be healed! That is not a physical healing but something even greater. A healing of our hearts and spirits.

Healed people forgive.
Healed people love with a genuine love.
Healed people need not fear.
Healed people aren't selfish.
Healed people trust.
Healed people let go of the past and don't hold grudges
Healed people believe what God says.
Healed people don't need others to fill their emptiness.
Healed people....have so much that God has offered to us and yet we don't fully receive His gift.

Jesus did not suffer the cross that we could live lukewarm lives. He offers us peace! What would it be like to let God's peace truly rule our lives.

Tired of living wounded. I want to walk in the freedom of Jesus' healing.

Here I go...I am going to do my best to honor God's enormous sacrifice and start living HEALED.

Not About Me

2010-12-27T00:16:00.003-05:00

I know that you are waiting for a new post and I so appreciate your patience. Guess what? You have to keep waiting for any news about me because I want you to read what my friend Alece had to say. This link will take you to the post, but I suggest that you hang around, read other posts and get to know Alece & her story. God IS faithful!!

WHAT????

2010-11-30T00:34:00.002-05:00

I have officially been away from here for two months!!! That seems impossible.

I have no clue what to write. So...do you have questions for me or ideas of where I should begin?? I would appreciate any jump start that you can give me. Or....is it possible that the blog has run its course....

Thanks!

This Boy

2010-09-30T13:54:00.004-04:00

I first wrote this post on August 17, 2009...I am reposting it and asking you to pray.

This boy...

chosen by God

marked for a purpose

Floundering

wondering

why and when will he know

"Don't we all have a purpose"?

Yes.

"I don't"

Oh yes son, you do!!

This boy...

with a heart toward God

yet a heart overcome with fear.

A heart filled with sadness

Loss

Feeling unworthy

Questions

"I pray but

He doesn't hear me

He doesn't bless me"

This boy

wonders what he did.

How do you tell him that he did nothing.

Wondering why his dad left

why is his mom sick

why can't he do better in school

Why?

No answers.

But this I know.

This boy...

is loved!

This boy...

loves!

This boy

may not feel blessed

but he IS a blessing.

This boy will be used by God.

He will have a story.

He will reach out.

This boy...

how I love him.

Thank you God, for entrusting him to me.

Show Me

2010-09-14T07:37:00.005-04:00

I get to start a new Bible study this morning. I never thought I would get to go back after I became ill...I am sooo excited. We are studying the book of Isaiah for the entire year. If you have been around here long, you know that is my favorite book in the entire Bible.

For now would you just listen to the words of this song. Trust me there is a correlation between the song and starting Bible study. I'll be back to share my heart on another day.

Off to see the beauty in God's Word this morning,

Jill.....

2010-08-31T01:34:00.002-04:00

Please go read Jill's story. She is in her last moments as God will be calling her home soon. She has fought the battle with ALS valiantly and has continued to point each of us to Christ. It is for HIS glory. Click HERE to see what God has done and maybe leave her family an encouraging comment.

Thanks!

If Life is Good

2010-08-25T09:24:00.002-04:00

I woke up to this sweet comment on Facebook from my friend Diana over at My Walk of Faith...she said, "I miss you blogging... I hope it's because life is so good you just don't have a moment to spare. :)"

Sweet comment? Yes! But it also made me think, ouch!! The purpose of this blog was to keep a record of my journey with the Lord. To bring Him glory for what HE is doing through and with my life. If my life is good it is only because of Him. If you've read my past few posts you know that I am a bit stalled in my relationship with God. I know it's normal and it will pass but I still don't like it.

However, life really is pretty good and I think I should fill you in on a few things.

I went to Florida at the beginning of the month. I GOT ON A PLANE!! My symptoms were pretty much non-existent and I had a fabulous trip. Spent some quality time with the man that God brought into my life and enjoyed every second of it. My heart was filled with gratitude for a God who loves me enough that He cared about every little detail of that trip.

Guess who stayed with David while I was gone? HIS DAD!! Yep. Don came and stayed at the house with David and they had a great time. (Ellie was out of town with her cousin) Don and David have continued getting together and God is slowly building a relationship between them. There is a part of me that is having a hard time with it but I know it's what we all have prayed for. Beauty from ashes!

When I opened up my blog this morning I went to the sidebar to see what today's verse is and this is what I found: "Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the Lord who has compassion on you. Isaiah 54:10

God has promised His love will never be shaken. It can't be changed. No matter what I do, His love does not change! He will never remove His peace from my life. It is always there. I need to cling to it!! He is at work in my family. I hope you all know that He is also at work in your own lives. He loves you. The God of the universe loves YOU.

Thanks for continuing to come along on this wild ride with me,

Standing on the Fence

2010-08-11T01:42:00.001-04:00

Go visit my friend Amber....this is a MUST READ whether married or not. We all need to step away from the fence. Click HERE to go read.

Thanks for the Jump Start

2010-07-28T17:00:00.002-04:00

Wow...when I put out the plea for scriptures in my last post, I was overwhelmed! You guys are amazing. GOD is amazing. I had people posting that had never posted before and they asked God to give them just the verse I needed. Isn't that so cool?

I wrote all the references in my journal and then sat on my bed with my Bible and looked each one up. And SPOKE each one out loud. To say I was moved is an understatement.

Some things I was reminded of:
I don't need to be afraid
I am loved
God is blessing me
Nothing can separate me from God's love
GOD is my strength, I don't do this thing called life alone
He prays for me when I have no words
and on and on and on......

The other awesome thing that happened is how God used that blog post in the lives of others. I got several emails telling me how as they were reading that post they felt it was just for them! That's how God works. Using our struggles to help others. I love that, don't you?

So. Thank you!! Thank you for caring enough about me that you took the time to comment. Thank you for walking this journey with me. Thank you for praying for and with me.

Some exciting news to share.

David has met with his dad TWICE!!!

And I, who thought I might never drive again and for sure would never travel.....I am flying to Florida next week!! YAY GOD!

Once again, thanks for being such a huge part of the beauty from all these ashes.

You are loved,

Stalled. Need a Favor

2010-07-15T15:47:00.002-04:00

Stalled. Completely stalled in my walk with the Lord.

Friends and I are reading through C.S. Lewis' Screwtape Letters again and discussing it. Yesterday I said that there are so many times that I don't even bother to read my Bible because I am only doing it to "get through" it. Then I realized that I was letting satan win. I need to be reading my Bible (out loud) no matter what!! It is alive & active and there is no way that I can be speaking the Living Word and not be changed.

Here is where I ask a favor of you. Would you leave me a scripture reference. I will be looking them up and speaking them out loud. Knowing that God is behind all of this...I can't wait to see where He sends me.

You all mean more to me than I can even express. These past three years would have been unbearable without you. Thank you!!

Excited to start reading,

A Ramble

2010-06-27T14:25:00.005-04:00

I've been blown off course a bit over the past month or so. I could say that life got in the way but I think that is one of the lamest excuses around!! We cant' be blown off course unless we allow it. And I allowed it.

It's been a dry season in my relationship with God. Not sure why exactly. I know these seasons come and go but I am ready for this one to be over. NOW. At church we have bee going through a series of sermons based on Hebrews 11. As we've studied each of these amazing men & women of faith I have been convicted. Convicted that I am not willing to do whatever God asks. Convicted that I worry too much and show my lack of faith. Convicted that God does have a plan and has made me a promise. I need to keep clinging to that.

He will bring beauty from ashes in my life. He is!!

David and I go back to court on Tuesday. The information we were given in April wasn't correct and he is facing bigger things than we realized. Still....I believe it's all good! God allowed this to happen for a reason and now I need to trust that God does love my son more than I love him. And that God will be protecting David. (Of course, we'd appreciate your prayers)

Philippians 1:6 says "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus".

God began a good work in me, in David, in Ellie and even in Don. I want to be confident in that promise that HE will carry it out to completion.

Sorry I've been gone so long. I will try to do better. (no promises though, ha) I'll leave you with a picture. We went to a CUBS game last weekend. Can you even believe how far God has brought me physically!! I sure do love HIM.

Guess Who's GOING to Dinner Part 2

2010-05-16T20:28:00.002-04:00

So....last week I wrote this post, please go read it and catch up if you haven't already.

I was so thrilled, yet nervous, that both of the kids would be sitting down to a meal with their dad. I just knew this would be the beginning of great things and lots of healing.

HA!! Funny how I had it all figured out in my head. Not to bore you with details, but it didn't happen as I planned. David did not feel comfortable with me going (thought it was awkward) and Ellie would not go without me. So, David went alone and met Don for dinner.

Here is where God amazes me! I was beyond distraught. You know when you cry and you literally are shaking? Yep, that was me. I couldn't figure out why God wasn't making this work. All of you were praying. I had comments, emails, FB messages from so many of you that were interceding for us that evening.

Couldn't sleep....so I came and sat on "the perch" around 1:30 am. Crying. Hard! As soon as I sat down my email notification chimed and I hesitated. I thought I shouldn't open the laptop that I should just spend time alone with the Lord. But I did read it. And it was yet another encouraging comment. Only this one was directly from GOD.

Robin over at This Is Me had this to say, "Praying!!! I was just flipping through my verses on index cards and one of my favorites caught my eye tonight...Zechariah 4:10..."Who despises the day of small things? Men will rejoice when they see the plumb line in the hand of Zerubbabel."

So, I went and looked up that verse in The Message to get a better handle on its meaning. It says "Does anyone dare despise the day of small beginnings?"

Do you see it? Just as the temple had to be rebuilt one stone at a time and it looked as if it was an insurmountable task, so it is with our family. Do I dare despise the small beginnings that are taking place. MY SON IS HAVING DINNER WITH HIS DAD. That is huge!! One day at a time we will rebuild relationships between Don, David and Ellie. I am praising God for the new beginnings. And asking His forgiveness for losing faith.

He IS faithful. There IS beauty. When God is involved it cannot fail.

I love you all and thank you for your friendship, your love for our family and your continued prayers.

Guess Who's GOING to Dinner

2010-05-13T14:06:00.002-04:00

Really quick post to update and ask for prayer.

Most of you know that David and Ellie (my kids) won't see their dad or even speak to him. One of the pieces of beauty that has come from David's "trouble" a few weeks ago is that he and his dad have been communicating via text quite a bit. So, this past Monday night the two of them met for dinner.

Don called yesterday and asked if Ellie wanted to meet with he & David for dinner tonight. (WHAT?? I didn't even know that they had plans to get together again.) Ellie said she wouldn't go and I asked if it would help if I went along.

So....guess who is going to dinner tonight?! My kids need their dad and although this is one of the last things I want to do...I will do it!

Please pray. Please Praise God for all that HE is doing.

Bring on the beauty!

Mercy Covering

2010-05-02T22:17:00.003-04:00

He has to flee.

He is satan. When God's people pray, He flees.

As I got ready to hit the publish button on my last post, I hesitated. When this blog first began it was read by people who I had never met. Now....there are many that read it that I know in real life. I did not want to bring further shame to my son, so I hesitated.

Wow, did God show Himself faithful. Within hours of that post going out and the prayers, emails and comments came flooding in....life in the walls of this house changed. David's attitude changed. His heart was softening. We talked and talked and talked. This is going to be one of the best things to ever happen in David's life. Just one more part of the puzzle that will make up an incredible story that he will share one day.

Friday was court day. God's mercy covered my son. God's love made sure that David is going to get the help he needs and not the punishment that would have been much more simple. (in man's eyes) I am sorry to sound vague but just want you to know that your prayers were felt, appreciated and effective.

One day, David will understand that people across the world cared enough about him to take him before God's throne. One day, David will be used mightily and he will have the chance to give back.

Beauty from ashes. Believing it!

Get Out!!

2010-04-28T16:57:00.006-04:00

Satan came knocking yesterday.

Well...he didn't knock...he barged right in. AGAIN!

This time he's after my son. David is facing some very, VERY tough consequences for a choice he made. But satan would like to use this to turn David even further away from the Lord.

I am declaring war. David is not up for grabs. As a young child he prayed to receive Christ and I believe that he is sealed, a child of God and belongs to Jesus. This could be a turning point in David's life. I want to believe that it will be!

Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Phil 1:6

Please pray with me that I will parent as God leads me. That David will have remorse for his actions. Pray for mercy on Friday as he has to face the judge. (literally) I have always known that God has huge plans for David's life and I will not let satan win. He may be winning some of the battles but he won't win the war.

Thanks for joining me in the fight! Let's slam the door on the evil one.

The Perch

2010-04-21T12:39:00.004-04:00

I don't sit on the perch any more.

In so many ways that is a good thing. Because of the measure of healing that God has given me, I don't find myself confined to my house and to the perch. (my couch, for those of you who haven't been around)

But...in many ways, it's not such a great thing. I don't find I need Jesus as much. So I don't spend the time with Him that I should. Makes me sad to think that for 18 months I sat here and begged for healing, He gave it and I walked away. There is something about being in the midst of terrible trials that really is a "gift". I wouldn't know my God the way I do if it hadn't been for the horrible mess of the past 3 years.

I want to want to spend with the Lord. Does that make sense? Not because I am forced onto the perch but because He is what makes my soul complete. Because He is the only source of true joy. He is peace. I want to love Him more just because!!

Life here has been full and empty and exciting and sad and joy filled and heartbreaking. Probably like many of your lives. No matter what my life holds though, God is IN IT!!

Three years ago when I got sick I never imagined that the kids and I would get to take a trip. Yep....we drove to Florida. (I DROVE to Florida) God blessed us with the most amazing time ever! We needed this time away from "reality" and it was good for each of us. I am still praying that God would break the kids' hearts for what breaks HIS. I believe they need to connect with their dad, but....well, it doesn't look good from the world's eyes. But I know that God holds us in the palm of His hand.

Oh yes, last time I was here I told you that God had given me a gift. Funny how things change! He brought an amazing man into my life. He is good for me, he is good for the kids, he is one of those people that is just loved by everyone. Now God has moved him to another state. I am still believing that God has plans for our future together but that I needed time without him so that I could get my relationship with Jesus back on track. It's all good!

I'm back on the perch today and I plan to be back here often.

Dance. Laugh.

2010-03-29T05:37:00.003-04:00

On Saturday I posted the song that has been running through my mind almost continuously. The song is "Stones Under Rushing Water" by Needtobreathe. Please click here and go listen if you haven't already. I told you that there were many thoughts I wanted to share. I am going to try and put those thoughts down here.

Many have emailed me after I posted that song believing that I was in a "bad" place, maybe sad, maybe depressed, dealing with hard things. Actually, the song reminds me of how important it is to make the most of this life we are given!! One time around...that's what we get. We need to live this life very intentionally. Aware of each and every moment we are given.

The song begins with the words, "Why don't we dance any more? I'm not okay with that. Why don't we laugh any more? I'm not okay with that". I want to live my life like that. Not settling for the mediocre or just getting by. I want to dance, I want to laugh. God made us that way. To enjoy life. To make the most of every second He has gifted us with.

The song goes on to say that "the years go by like stones under rushing water". Picture that. As the river flows quickly, the stones under it go speeding by, unable to get them back. That's how fast our lives go by. "We only know when it's gone". We might think that we have all the time in the world, but we don't know how much time we are promised. We can't get them back.

This is not meant to be a depressing post. It's meant to remind me to be so very intentional!! If there is not smiling and dancing - don't settle!! And I am not talking about my failed marriage here. Sure....I sometimes wish that I hadn't held on as long as I did, but it is what it is!! I want to find joy in all things.

I really want my kids to understand how quickly this life is fleeting. This is time that they cannot get back with their dad. The years race by. I don't want them to be okay with that, I want them to embrace this life and all that God has in store for them.

The other thing that really strikes me is how intentional I need to be about sharing Christ. God has given us each one time - one huge gift - in allowing us to share His name with those He places in our lives. We best take advantage of that. It (this life) is racing by. What is our purpose here? What is my purpose here?

Boy, I want to make the most of it!! I don't want to look back and see where the years rushed by and I didn't enjoy them, I don't want to have a life of regrets, I want to dance and laugh and make His name known.

There's a lot more going on in my life that I want to share with you. And yes....it pertains to this song as well. God has given me another huge gift. I am not sure why He continues to bless me. I guess it's just His nature. You all know by now that I don't like long posts, so I will share about this "gift"with you next time.

For today....dance....laugh.....share Jesus....the years are rushing by.

My New Anthem

2010-03-27T02:49:00.004-04:00

I have woken up with this song in my mind almost every single day this week. I am not so sure what I am supposed to add to it, so for now I will just post the song. I know that I have many words to write, so I'll be back.

Trust Issues

2010-03-18T18:36:00.003-04:00

I've been having trust issues.

Major trust issues.

Not with another human being. With God. I am just flat out not trusting Him.

How do I know? Because I am filled with fear. Anxiety. Questioning. Tears come way too easily. I am easily angered. All the "what-ifs" race through my head faster than I keep up with them.

Here's the deal....I am trying to trust God for something or to do something. I am not just simply trusting Him. So when things don't go as I think I need or my kids are hurt or I am heartbroken or money runs out or my illness flares...I start believing the lies that God isn't trustworthy. Or maybe it's that I believe He isn't really listening in the first place.

Whoever said that putting our trust in God was about trusting Him to answer to US?? We trust Him because He is worthy. We trust Him because He loves us so much that He sent His Son to die so that we could have a relationship with Him. We trust Him because the Bible tells us to. We trust Him because His character has been proven. (Like He needs to prove Himself!! I have to wonder if He is shaking His head at me right now)

He is the God who heals the brokenhearted. The God who forgives EVERY sin and does not hold it against us. The God who never forgets to make the sun rise. The God who knows the number of stars and the number of hairs on our heads. He is the God of second chances (and beyond). He is the same yesterday, today and forever. He is the God who holds it ALL in the palm of His hand. He is the God whose eyes NEVER LEAVE US!

That is what I need to trust. He never leaves me. There is not a moment in my day that He is not fully aware of me, what is happening, how I feel, what I need.

He knows me. And yet He still loves me!

Lord, forgive me for not trusting. Forgive my anxious thoughts. Forgive me for asking to you to prove yourself. Fill me with a renewed sense of who you really are. May I put my trust, my life, my relationships, my kids fully and completely in your hands.

You ARE worthy.

Holding Fast and Rallying the Troops

2010-03-01T19:08:00.004-05:00

When things in my life get too overwhelming, I tend to retreat. I suppose it's a form of denial. Denying that there are issues. Of course by retreating I am only making situations worse. They just pile up one on top of the other.

My absence here is a telltale sign that I have been retreating. And to be really honest, I also retreat from the Lord. I stop praying and stop reading my Bible. Yea....that does NOT help!

I read back through some past posts and I wonder, "what happened to that girl"? The girl with so much faith. The girl who relied on the Lord as if her life depended on it. The girl who knows true JOY because of her God.

Life happens and I know we all go through times in the wilderness. But I am sick of being in the wilderness! I want my focus and purpose back! Time to rally the troops. Yep, that includes you. It's been a long time since I've given you any kind of update on what is happening (really happening) in our family.

My illness is still a part of who I am. I don't want it to define me but it definitely still impacts my ability to do certain things. That gets frustrating and depresses me. I want to focus on how far God has brought me. From being bed bound to being able to participate in life most of the time!

David and Ellie still will not speak to their dad. We had a huge set back over the Christmas holiday. However....are you ready for how God works in some very bizarre ways in my life? Don's girlfriend (who had NOTHING to do with the break up of our marriage) wants to help in anyway that she can to bring about some resolution between Don and the kids. She came to my home the other day and stayed for two hours. God is going to use her to help bring healing. I just know it. She is an amazing person. I say that I want nothing more than for Don and the kids to have a relationship but my prayer life doesn't show that. I need to be on my face begging God for that daily! Look how much God has done already.

God has worked miracles in healing my heart as well. I've a long way to go but I have hope that I haven't felt for long time. Please pray that I will stop believing the lies that satan tries to feed me. That nobody will ever truly love me. That I can't trust. That I need to be fearful and anxious about money. That David will never give his heart back to the Lord.

I know this post is just all over the place but that's what happens when I spend so much time away. When I was reading my devotion this morning (which is the first time in AGES) it led me to read Deuteronomy 11:22. Here is the part that struck me "love the LORD your God, walk in all his ways and to hold fast to him."

Hold fast to HIM!! Don't you just love that picture.

'Nuff Said

2010-02-17T14:12:00.003-05:00

See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands Isaiah 49:16

He lifted me out of a slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. Psalm 40:2

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will. Romans 8:27

We Three!

2010-02-02T14:02:00.004-05:00

Put me in a fiery furnace? Um...no thanks!!

In the third chapter of Daniel that is exactly what happened to Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. The king had ordered that EVERYONE bow down to a statue that he had set up. It was widely known that if you refused to do this then you would be thrown into the fiery furnace.

These three courageous young men chose to stand firm in their belief in the One True God and not bow down. They chose this knowing the trial they would face.

These three people...

Well, we did not "choose" our trial and honestly had we known what was coming, I am afraid to say we probably each would have taken off running. In 2007 I became ill (you can read about in the sidebar) and was basically homebound for 18 months. During that time, my husband of 18 years left and filed for divorce. The kids and I were left alone.

Or were we?

When you read the story of the three courageous young men in Daniel we learn that after they were thrown in the furnace, they could be seen walking around and a fourth person was there with them. The king was so amazed that he ordered them to come out. They were not burned, they did not even smell of smoke. God has gone into the fiery trial with them!

God has been in this trial with David, Ellie and myself. Never has He left us. There have been blessings from this time that I would not trade for anything. Relationships. A stronger family. Deeper faith. Seeing the body of Christ come together. A testimony. A love for the Lord unknown to me before.

HE promised me beauty from ashes. He never fails to keep His promises! NEVER.

This journey through Daniel over at Amber's blog has been a surprise to me. Each of us is taking away something so different. You should hop over there and read what God is showing to others.

Please keep praying for my kids (David and Ellie) that they will see God's hand of protection on us and not become resentful. They can be used mightily for the Lord, I just know it!

My Daniel Tangent

2010-01-25T13:41:00.002-05:00

Last week I told you that I was going through a study of Daniel with some girls over at Amber's blog. Amber gives us some questions to process and then we should post an answer to one of them. Well...you know me...I never seem to be able to do what I am told. So I am going a different direction with what I learned from reading through the second chapter of Daniel.

In this chapter the king is looking for someone to interpret his dream. Nobody is willing to do specifically what he asks so he decides to have ALL of the wise men killed. This would include Daniel. In verse 14, Daniel learns of the edict and this is what that verse says:

"When Arioch, the commander of the king's guard, had gone out to put to death the wise men of Babylon, Daniel spoke to him with wisdom and tact."

He spoke with WISDOM and TACT! My first reaction would have been to freak out, probably get angry and question, go about my business trying to figure my way out of this mess and totally run my mouth.

I have an issue with my mouth. Always have. It often moves and starts speaking before I think. It's been called to my attention more than once in the past two weeks that I can be hurtful, that my words carry lots of sarcasm and that I can belittle others without intending to do so.

I want to be a woman that speaks with wisdom and tact. I want to be so in tune with God that I know He is control of each and every situation and I don't need to scurry around trying to figure out the situation for myself. I want the words that come out of my mouth to be edifying to others, to lift them up, to encourage, to breathe life into them...

I used to pray this verse for myself every day from Psalm 141: 3 "Set a guard over my mouth, O LORD, keep watch over the door of my lips." I think I need to be praying that again.

Sorry to go off on a tangent, Amber, but it's what God is speaking to me right now.

Striving to be a woman of wisdom and tact,

I Really am HIS

2010-01-18T14:21:00.002-05:00

My friend, Amber, over at His Girl's Blog has written a study on Daniel. I decided to join in with her and we've just finished Week One.

Honestly, there are Bible stories that I have become TOO familiar with. I think I know them so I don't really spend time studying. That is definitely the case with Daniel. I take for granted that he wasn't afraid (or at least he wasn't ruled by his fear). He stood up for his beliefs. He had complete faith that God would provide.

Amber asked us to think about some questions and I have to tell you that it made me uncomfortable. Here are the three that really hit me.

What has being a Christian cost me in my lifetime?
What sacrifices have I made to be a Christian recently?
How can non-Christians tell that I am a Christian?

OUCH!

I had already been wrestling with some of this before I even began the study. As you can tell from how long it's been since I have posted...I've been in a bit of a desert place. Feeling distant from the Lord. Overwhelmed with life circumstances. Kind of one of those times where you just throw your hands up in the air and say "I give up".

The truth is that being a Christian really hasn't cost me anything in my lifetime. It's been easy. I've not made any sacrifices. Is following God easy? No, but I don't believe it's really "cost" me. I haven't had to stand up for my beliefs and be ridiculed. God hasn't asked me to do anything that is particularly difficult. I was raised in a Christ centered home so it (Christianity) has been all I've known.

I struggle more with the third question. How can non-Christians tell that I am a Christian? I don't think they can. Sure on this blog, it's easy. You all read about how God is working in my life. You've seen me walking out my faith. But day to day...what am I doing? How am I behaving? Does my life seem different than the lives around me? I'm not so sure. And I DON'T LIKE THAT! God and I are wrestling this out. Actually, God is being silent and I am left to fight through this. I'm not saying that He has left me alone, I am just saying that He is not making it easy for me.

That's ok. I think. I WANT to be different. I desire for those I come into contact with to wonder "what does Sheryl have that I don't have". Right now I think I am just fitting in with the world.

Lord, I am growing weary of being in the desert. Give me a heart that is open to what you are asking of me. Remind me of what YOU sacrificed for me and may I live my life as a reflection of that love.

Wanting to be known as one of HIS,

Seriously...It's Over?

2009-12-31T11:06:00.003-05:00

Yep...I am alive. This is the longest I have ever gone without writing a new post. As you know, I don't post just to have something to write. Here I sit not knowing what I am going to say, but I know I'm supposed to write.

Many thoughts have gone through my head as 2009 comes to a close. The first one was "good riddance"!! But then I had to really reflect. The year was not a fun one. My divorce was final in '09. I watched my children walk through the fire in '09. Emotions have run high. Hearts have broken. Doesn't sound like a year we would want to do over, does it?

But...I am so glad that we had 2009. Without it there would not have been growth, healing, truth, lessons learned, tears, venting, learning, new friendships, pulling together...

What a year! I don't want to do it over again but I am grateful for it. If we let HIM, God will use everything in our lives to bring good. Wow, it's been painful. It's also been one of the best years of my life. YES..one of the best. I don't like watching my son making choices that can have lifelong consequences. But I love that we can talk about everything. I don't like watching my daughter bottle up her feelings. But I love watching as God begins to peel back her protective shell until she finds her voice. I don't like going through a divorce and feeling rejected again. But I love seeing God at work in my life. Bringing the beauty from the ash.

Hard to believe that another year is gone. Please, Lord, don't let us forget all that you've taught us. Bring on 2010. I am so excited to see what God has in store. He has blessed me this year in ways that I cannot even begin to count. He is good...all the time.

Looking for more beauty as I keep letting go of the ash,

Prayers and a Question

2009-12-20T12:15:00.002-05:00

I want you to know that I have been praying through your comments on my last post. Daily. If there is some way that I can be praying for you, please go there and leave me a note. It really is a privilege!

There was an anonymous comment left there. I am not sure that I understand it. If you are the one who wrote it or if you think you have some insight...would you please leave me some feedback. Sometimes we leave our own words, sometimes they really are from the Lord. I'm just curious about this one.

Here is how the comment read:

Anonymous said...
About a few years ago, God began teaching me the importance of looking at my life in terms of seasons. The life we live here on earth is not a series of random events or disjointed circumstances. Indeed, there is a divine connection to our years - from the moment we were conceived, to our dying breath, there is a purpose.
As a mom-your purpose would most likely be to your children-best not to bring someone else into your lives because its just not the season-that would stop their pain and bring glory to God.To everything there is a season,A time for every purpose under heaven.~ Ecclesiastes 3:1
December 18, 2009 8:23 PM

I am in a new season. I do believe that our seasons are connected. Praying that this season is one of hope, joy and peace for each one of you.

You are loved deeply by me! You are loved completely by the Lord.

Christmas Hopes and Miracles

2009-12-14T18:44:00.006-05:00

Edited on December 15th to add...On my sidebar for the past several months you may have seen the picture of Andrew. It is with a very heavy heart that I tell you he has gone to be with Jesus today. Please pray for his parents, his brother and his sister as they grieve. We know that God is in the miracle business. We can also know that if He chose not to heal Andrew here on earth that He has a greater purpose. But, wow, this is hard!!

Last year I wrote this post where I asked you to share what Christmas hopes and miracles you were praying for. What a privilege it was to give back in some way for all that you have given to me. You should go and read some of those comments...God answered many in huge ways.

Once again, I would love to ask you to leave me a comment about what you are hoping for. Praying for. Longing for. God is still the same god that performs miracles. He still restores. He still heals. He still provides. He still loves. He still bends near to hear us.

My hopes from last year did not "turn out" like I had planned. Some would say that God didn't answer. That could not be further from the truth. He knew just what I needed. He never left me for a second. He brought beauty from the ashes. I asked for joy. Do you know why? Because I feel that joy is something we can choose as believers. Happiness to me can be so based on circumstances. So I didn't ask for happiness...just the joy. Guess what? I got both. I have joy and I am HAPPY!!

My prayers for this Christmas would be that David and Ellie would find some healing for their broken hearts. That they would allow their dad in, even just a little. I pray that they would cling to what they know is true of the Lord. Also, I ask for continued healing of my body. For wisdom and discernment. And that God would never, ever leave me as I am.

How can I pray for you this Christmas? What are your hopes this season?

Change!!

2009-12-07T15:02:00.003-05:00

Change.

Things change so fast around here that some days I can't keep up with what's going on.

Having two teens probably has a lot to do with that. Oh....and the fact that God is moving!

It's been hitting me lately how I have spent the first 40something years of my life. I want to be intentional about how I spend the remainder of my days. Intentional about seeking God. Intentional about being content. Intentional about believing what God says. Intentional about loving on those people that God puts in my life. Intentional about being a "light".

God in His mercy is restoring the years the locusts have eaten. (Joel 2:25) What is yet to come is going to be even better than what I've experienced before. Because God is going to lead the way. I have to let Him. Can't get ahead of Him.

Please continue to pray for my kids. They struggle. It's hard. But, oh, I want them to see Jesus. I want them to see that God really is moving and healing. This life is NOT about us. As teens I don't expect them to fully grasp that, but I am praying that seeds are planted and the roots of bitterness are ripped out.

What is changing in your life? Is God restoring years to you as well?

Though He Slay Me

2009-12-01T23:49:00.004-05:00

I was talking with a friend tonight. About our passions. Our purpose. Joy.

She asked this question, "do you know where I want to be"? And she answered it by quoting Job 13:15. "Though He slay me, yet I will trust in Him."

Tears are streaming down my face. No matter what...I WILL trust in Him. All of life can be turned upside down. We can lose everything and everyone. But He is still trustworthy.

I am so glad to be where I am today. The illness has been awful. The divorce left me reeling with feelings of rejection. My life has been riddled with loss. It's been full, yet empty. Does that even make sense?

But I know my Savior. He is bringing more beauty into my life from these ashes than I could ever have hoped or dreamed. What I thought was going to happen - it pales in comparison to what God is doing. I could not have imagined that my life would intersect with people all over the globe. How would I know that the loss I suffered would help heal someone else's pain. Who would believe that 18 months trapped at home would prove to be the most freeing time of my life.

Only God! May He find me saying "Though He slay me, yet I will trust in Him".

(thank you, Julie!)

Finally

2009-11-24T13:26:00.005-05:00

It's all been about love.

From the beginning...am I loved?

Am I accepted? Wanted? Heard?

Running to anything to fill that need. Anything.

Yet "anything" just leaves me empty.

Am I loved?

I settle. I compromise. I sin.

I run.

He stays. He waits.

Fear, denial and anger are my closest companions.

They don't love me. They leave me empty.

What am I missing? Who am I missing?

He waits for me.

He is God and He loves me.

I run back. I confess. I get real. I lay it down.

I believe. Finally.

I AM LOVED!!

"And I pray that I being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge."
Ephesians 3-17-19

His Hope

2009-11-17T04:54:00.003-05:00

Have you heard the song, "The Words I Would Say" by Sidewalk Prophets? I have been listening to it a lot lately. I'm actually listening to it right now. It's almost 5:00 am. I haven't been to sleep yet. There are so many things going through my mind and my heart - it is hard to sleep. So, here I am.

Here are some of the words... "be strong in the Lord and never give up hope. You're gonna do great things. I already know. God's got His hand on you, so don't live life in fear. Forgive and forget but don't forget why you're here. Take your time and pray. These are the words I would say from one simple life to another."

Powerful words! These ARE the words that I would say to some people in my life. From my own children, to friends I know in real life to some that I have had the pleasure of meeting through this blog. Draw your strength from the Lord. Keep going back over and over and over. I know we can grow weary but if we return to the Father, He will renew our strength. It may not be on our time table. Most often it is not.

I believe in you. More importantly, God believes in you. He has a purpose for your life. Don't forget it! Keep pressing into Him. I don't say these things as someone who has it all together or as someone who has it figured out. Like the song says..."from one simple life to another".

This life of mine has been redeemed from the deepest pit of sin. I know what it's like to run from God straight toward destruction. On purpose! Please don't give up on the Lord. Cry out. He will meet you wherever you are. In whatever way you need to come to Him. Just come. Do not give up!!

There is hope in the Father. The only source of true hope comes from God. As bad as it seems...God is there and He wants to fill your life with HIS HOPE.

All Things New

2009-11-10T02:55:00.003-05:00

I have to start out with a huge THANK YOU to each of you. Your comments on my previous post are possibly the greatest gifts I have ever received. If you aren't one who normally reads through the comments, I would encourage you to go there and do that. You will see there what the body of Christ in action really looks like. You amaze me and I am humbled by your love for me and my family.

This is the verse that keeps coming to my mind in the middle of this night...

See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland. Isaiah 43:19

I have written about this verse before. Maybe several times. These past few days though...it's as if I can feel it happening. God is doing a new thing. In my heart. In my mind. In my decisions. He is making the way. It's scary, not sure where He's leading.

Physically, I've not been feeling very well. That comes with this illness. You never know when the good days will disappear for awhile. But since I've not been well I've spent all of my time at home. Pretty much alone. At first that was depressing. But when you are trapped alone, who else do you have to talk with but God?? Not so bad after all.

God is asking me to risk myself in friendships. Put myself out there. Be a better friend. That is new. God is telling me that is okay to put myself first sometimes. That is new. God is telling me that it's okay to move on. That is new. But He is also telling me, reminding me, that I will not be doing any of these things alone. He will make a way. He will bring water in the desert.

Make me new and bring on the new thing....

And God...

2009-11-05T01:48:00.004-05:00

I never cried with anyone about my marriage ending.

Not a soul.

I didn't sit with someone and talk about it and cry. Nobody hugged me and told me they were sorry. No tears were shared.

I am not saying that I didn't cry. I'm saying that I have done it alone. It's almost 2:00 in the morning and I find myself crying in my pillow again.

Why? Why alone?

Part of it (I think) is because it was a slow process and I didn't really think it would happen. Denial? Maybe. But I truly thought God was going to knit our family back together. So I never really took the time to grieve along the way. I didn't believe we'd be divorced.

The other thing is...my biggest fear in life has been being alone and unwanted. If I cried and really let go then I would be admitting that my fear was coming true. Well, I am alone and he doesn't want me. And I need to cry. I need to mourn. I don't want it to be this way.

But it is. And God knew. And God heals. And God hears my cries. And God stores my tears. And God never leaves me. And God wants me. And God will never tire of my cry for restoration. And God loves. And God plans. And God holds me. And God is faithful. And God redeems. And God never forgets. And God cries with me. AND GOD IS!

My Son

2009-10-29T00:00:00.002-04:00

It's your birthday and I know I am supposed to be giving you a gift (and I just might), but first I wanted to tell you what a gift you have been to me!

This mom could not have asked for a better son. David, you are a joy!! I know that the past couple of years have been beyond tough. You, however, have grown into such a wonderful, strong, compassionate, loving young man. I could not be more proud.

I mean that. I am proud of you! You've questioned God. I know that. It's not a bad thing to question. But please keep your heart open to Him. I know that you gave it to Him as a young child and I know that He has great things in store for you. One day you will be able to reach those who are hurting. You have a heart that longs to help and to heal.

These 17 years have been such a privilege for me to be your mom. I don't know why God chose to bless me with you, but I sure am glad he did.

You are loved more than I could ever put into words.

Happy Birthday, David! I pray that God blesses you with the best year yet.

With all of my heart...I love you.
~mom

I Got What I Needed!

2009-10-20T22:57:00.003-04:00

There is something so sweet about getting what you want after you've gone through the process of finding out exactly what you need.

This was a profound statement by a young friend of mine named Sadie. I was reading her blog as she was sharing pictures and a story of how people have waited & waited for what they wanted. (Click here if you want to go visit her). I'm not sure she realizes just how profound this sentence is though.

All of my life I have been chasing after what I thought I wanted. Losing my dad at a young age left a huge hole. I wanted to be needed, valued, taken care of. The thought of being alone brought on much anxiety. Wow did I chase after all the wrong things thinking it would be the answer to what I wanted.

Losing so much over the past 2 1/2 years has been heartbreaking and difficult. My health, my husband leaving, my family falling apart...

Losing so much over the past 2 1/2 years has shown me that what I wanted all my life would never be fulfilled by other people or life circumstances. I could only find that peace in Jesus. What exactly did I need? I needed to find my worth in God alone. He values me. He longs to take care of me. He wants me.

I have gotten what I wanted. It just looks completely different than I ever dreamed it would. Ya know what? It's better. It lasts. It's the real deal. IT is the unfailing love of my Savior. The joy that can only be of Him. Peace unexplainable.

Thank you, Lord, for not letting me be satisfied with what I thought I wanted. Thank you for refining me until I got what I needed!!

HE is Moving

2009-10-11T12:38:00.003-04:00

Hey everyone!! Yes, we are alive and we are WELL!

When I wrote my last post and pushed publish I debated for a bit about whether to leave it. It was raw and written very quickly. When I went back to decide if I was going to take it off, there was already a comment. Then I knew I needed to leave it.

Later that same day (the same day I wrote that post) things were going so great I felt silly for having all of you reading it. I thought to myself "well, that passed and it's not even where we are any more". God got my attention. He ever so politely told me that it was because I had written it and because YOU HAD PRAYED that things were better. Ya see, I am a bit slow - duh God - THANK YOU!

As our little of family of three, there are many days that we are simply unable to pray for ourselves. It is then that I know you are stepping in and standing in the gap praying. There aren't words to express what that means to us & for us.

God asked me the other day what it is that I really want. If I were to pray for the real desire of my heart, what would it be. The answer popped into my head immediately. I want healing for my family so desperately that it takes my breath away. When there are so many days like I wrote about it in my last post it is easy to take my eyes off of Jesus and focus on what I see. What I see seems like an impossible situation.

Just the kind of situation that Jesus loves. Because when the miracle happens, it will be obvious who gets all the glory!!

Thank you for your friendship and your prayers. Thank you for your part in the miracle that we are believing for. Through the power of your prayers, God is moving.

Be Near

2009-10-06T00:45:00.003-04:00

We are hurting today.

Broken today.

Mourning what we have lost and striving to see past the pain.

It comes in waves. Overwhelms us. Suffocating.

Pain.

Trials.

Produce perseverance. Hope.

We are hoping today.

Hoping for healing.

Hoping for the tears to be wiped away.

Hanging on. Yet pushing away. Holding tight while letting go.

Broken yet hopeful.

Lord God...be near today. We need you.

Living or Surviving?

2009-09-29T13:34:00.003-04:00

Are you living or are you surviving??

Big difference.

Lately I have been overwhelmed with how many people are merely surviving. They aren't living their lives. They aren't enjoying. Just hanging on. Trying to get through the day so that they can "survive" the next.

It makes me want to scream. Not at the people. At satan. Back off!!

The thing is that if satan knows he can get to them, he'll keep attacking. As Christians we have to do our part and fight the battle. We can't sit back and passively let satan take what God has promised us. We have to fight!! It is ours.

What exactly is "IT"? It is peace. It is joy. It is love. It is faithfulnes. It is goodness. It is mercy. God has promised us all these things (and so much more)once we have received His gift. The gift of His Son. Maybe you've been a believer a long time and don't stand in awe of that gift so much any more. I know that's been the case with me. I gloss over the fact that God loved me so much that He chose for His Son to die a horrific death FOR ME!!

What are you doing with that gift?

In John 10:10 it says "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life and have it to the full."

Do you see that? Jesus came so that we may have life. Not just eternal life (which is amazing), but also life here. NOW. Don't let satan rob you of the gift of life.

Are you living or you just surviving?

Love My New Thing

2009-09-23T18:18:00.003-04:00

There is a post inside me just begging to get out. Problem? I have no idea what it is. No idea what I'm supposed to write. If you've been around here long enough you know that's pretty typical for me. So, let's see where this goes.

New things! Often new things are exciting. An adventure. Sometimes new things are scary. Especially when we don't know where the new thing will need. What will the new thing ask of me?

My "new" thing. Well it's not even new any more. And that is just dawning on me. (yea, I'm quick like that) My new thing has been around since June of 2007. I just rolled my eyes at myself as I typed that. Seriously...am I just now realizing that this is my life?! It's not new any more. The illness. The separation. The divorce. It is my life. It's my new thing and today I am embracing it FINALLY!!

God is at work in my life in big ways. Do you ever get that feeling of being unsettled? Like your insides are on pins and needles. I don't know if I can really explain it but I've been living the past week or so with this "knowing" that God is up to something. He is increasing my faith. Increasing my trust. Teaching me that I need to be led by the Holy Spirit. Teaching me that the Holy Spirit is alive and living within me! (that is a whole post in itself).

I am loving my life right now. Illness, brokenness, sorrow, heartache...yep, I am loving my life. How can that be? It's only GOD. Praise Him for that. Beauty from my ashes. He is allowing me a huge measure of healing physically. He is allowing some "calm" right now in our family situation. This is my life, our life. A life that is not taking God by surprise.

Hope. I have it!! Faith. It's increasing. Joy. Unexplainable.

See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland. Isaiah 43:19

Lord, thank you for these gifts in my new thing. Thank you for the way you are making and for your provision each step of the journey.

God's Promises

2009-09-18T08:00:00.002-04:00

Quick post. Quick question.

What is your favorite promise from God? AND if you care to share why, that would be great.

Claiming The Promise

2009-09-14T03:12:00.003-04:00

Has God ever given you a promise? Or spoken something into your spirit - you just knew it was HIM?

In 2002 I know that God told me He would bring beauty from ashes in my marriage. Wasn't really sure what it meant at the time. We struggled, like a lot of married couples do, but we had weathered the storm. I guess it just made me feel good to know that God was going to use the "yuck" we had endured and we would experience beauty.

Fast forward 6 years and Don files for divorce. Huh? Lord, this makes no sense. I am sure of what you said to me. So for many months I continued to pray for restoration and for healing. Yet, it wasn't to be. The divorce was final and the door was shut.

Or was it? Honestly I wasn't sure what to do. What do you pray for now? How do you reconcile what you know God told you with the circumstances that are staring you in the face? With the reality you are living? What does beauty mean anyway?

For me...I wanted it to mean that our family would be healed and whole. I know that would be God's perfect will for us. But as humans, we have free will and God is not going to force us to do anything. I have given up praying. I have given up.

Well...I had! You see, I stopped believing in miracles. I stopped believing that my teenagers would ever be able to get past their pain and love their dad. I stopped believing that Don could really come to know God. I stopped believing that God would bind up my broken heart. When you stop believing, you stop praying for it.

Just what satan wanted. And then, the story of Andrew. If you read my previous post, you have read of the faith of his family as they prayed through dire circumstances. There was no hope for him, yet they prayed BELIEVING. I would shake my head as I would read Melanie's words and wonder what she was going to say when God didn't come through. (oh what little faith I had) Andrew's story has helped renew my faith in the power of prayer. In the reason for prayer.

Fervently I am praying for each member of my family. David belongs to Jesus and satan can't have him. David says that "God just doesn't work for him any more", but I know differently. Ellie says she just wants a normal life and will never have it. Well, Ellie I am praying for God's blessing on your life. Don made a commitment to the Lord in 1998 and I know that the Lord will continue to hound him. Not hound him to punish him, but hound him because HE loves him.

What did God promise me? Beauty from ashes. I AM CLAIMING IT!!

ANDREW

2009-09-11T11:40:00.005-04:00

NEW UPDATE: Run over to Melanie's blog and see what God has done!

UPDATE: Andrew is having surgery right now!! (5 pm est) Please visit their site.

My friend, Melanie and her family need your prayers desperately. Their lives have been turned upside within the past three weeks as their 12 year old son was diagnosed with brain cancer. Today there is an urgent need for prayer for her son, Andrew. Please click on the button in my sidebar and let them know you are standing in the gap with them today.

Thank you!!

This Is...

2009-09-10T01:19:00.003-04:00

My "new normal"!!

Well, we may not look all that normal to you. But this is my family now. Crazy. Happy. Full of joy. Yes, we are claiming that joy even in the midst of these trials. It is our God given right.

Illness gone? Nope, but we'll find the joy.

David struggling? Yes terribly, but we will CLAIM the joy.

Ellie questioning? You bet. Can there be in joy in that? Oh yea.

You see, this is a family that has each individually made commitments to receive Christ. We are a family of believers. Are some of them wondering where is God in this? Yep. But this I know...those HE has sealed are His forever!!

The verse that is the my life verse is found in the sidebar from Isaiah 61:3. The beginning of that chapter speaks of Jesus coming to bind up the broken hearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners. We are broken hearted, sometimes captive and in the darkness. BUT HE HAS COME!! We will be healed in the freedom of HIS LIGHT.

I love my new normal and this is it!

Prowling and Sifting

2009-09-06T02:06:00.002-04:00

Deep breath...

Thank you all SO much for your encouraging words, your prayers, tears, emails, texts, phone calls and comments. You can't possibly know how they have helped me and ministered to me. Many of you chose verses that I know were hand picked by God for me. It would be almost impossible for me to walk this path without you.

I've spent a bit of time reading over my past several posts. Usually I don't read what I write. I hit publish often having no idea what I said. But I felt like I needed to see where God has taken me recently. There is an obvious pattern. Victory. Defeat. Bigger victory. Bigger defeat.

Choosing joy. Smacked with bad news. Choosing to set my face like flint. Having my faith rocked. Choosing to fight through any symptoms and go that conference. Having just one more unbelievable life circumstances thrown at us.

Coincidence? I think not.

I realized that I had titled my last post "Tearing". As in fabric being torn. God has shown me that the devil is also out to tear me apart. To tear my family apart. The devil is prowling around like a lion it says in 1 Peter. What do lions do to their prey? They tear them apart. Why is satan after ME and MY family? We must be a threat!!!

Being sifted. I think that's a season I am in right now. I don't know if satan has asked God's permission to sift me like he did with Job. (NO, I am not saying that I am Job) But I do know that it wouldn't be happening if God didn't allow it. I need to cling to what I know and what I believe. CLING!! With everything in me.

When we get good news like Ellie is healing and out of the danger zone. PRAISE HIM. When someone attacks and causes damage to my family. PRAISE HIM. When I am able to do an ordinary task. PRAISE HIM. When we don't know if we'll have enough money for the month. PRAISE HIM.

It's not about praising Him for the circumstances. It's just about praising Him because He is worthy of it and He deserves it.

Lord, please protect my family. Keep us firmly planted in what we KNOW about You. May our faith not be shaken but be strengthened. This season of tearing and sifting is hard and it's painful. Find us faithful!!

Tearing

2009-09-02T14:19:00.003-04:00

Our counselor told us that when there is a divorce, it's like a "tearing". It's not like a cut where it's easier to see how the pieces go back together. This is a tear. Rough edges. No way to put it back together to look anything like it did before.

Our family has been torn in the process of two people divorcing.

As hard as I try we keep taking one step forward and then five steps back. OH my flesh wants to give up. I don't want to be the "good guy" any more. I don't want to be the one who keeps all my feelings inside. (and a few cuss words!!) It's tiring, it wears me out. I believe I wrote a post about being the one who always takes the high road. I'm weary of walking that high road alone.

BUT GOD!

He is walking it with me. I've just spent the past half hour locked in my bathroom, bawling and crying out to God who I know is walking this with me. Why is HE allowing one person to inflict so much pain? Why won't HE (God) let us catch our breath before the next wave hits us? I don't know the answers to those questions, but I do know that God loves my kids more than I do. My head knows that, it's hard to fathom.

God is traveling this road with us. Before us. Behind us. In us. When we hurt, HE gets it.

Please pray for my little family of three. The tearing is excruciating right now.

I'll Stand

2009-08-30T14:32:00.003-04:00

Wow, when I get bossy, you listen!! Thank you so much. It's great to see the new faces over in the followers so that I can come by and visit if you have a blog.

Also...I cannot even begin to express my gratitude for praying for our family last week as we met for counseling. It was SO evident that God was in control. SO evident that God brought peace. SO evident that God hears the prayers of His children! I wish I could share more with you on here but I know you understand.

God is so busy working on me personally that I am having a hard time keeping up. He continues to chip away at my "rough edges" and I really am glad. I've said before that it can be painful to be refined but it's worth it.

This weekend I had the privilege and the thrill of being able to go to a simulcast of one of my favorite speakers. First of all...let that soak in. I LEFT MY HOUSE AND FELT WELL ENOUGH TO GO HANG WITH WOMEN AND LISTEN TO SOME GREAT TEACHING!! I assure you I did not take one moment of it for granted. For now I am going to process what I learned before I share it but there is one thing...

When people stand to sing, I normally will remain seated because of the "dizziness". There was a song that we were able to sing a couple of times called "In Christ Alone". I am going to share it with you here, but I have to tell you first that there is a line where I was compelled to stand. I could barely get the words out as I was overcome with emotion. The line is -

"Here in the power of Christ I'll stand"

Housekeeping

2009-08-25T17:27:00.003-04:00

Hi all!! Just back from the beach. I know it's a tough life, but someone's gotta do it. Actually you know how much I do NOT take for granted that I get to spend time there. We are blessed to live where we do and I am overjoyed for a day that my symptoms allow me to spend time there!!

Anyway, this will be a bit of a rambling post to address a few different things.

FOLLOWERS: If you do not have your face over there to the right with the rest of the followers, will you do me a favor and become a follower? This is not just about numbers!! I will be honest and tell you that when I see the number go down, I wonder what happened? Who left? What did I do? But...there are many of you who don't comment (and that is so fine) but I like to stop by and see who is reading me. The only way I can do that is if you comment or if you're a follower. So go on over there and click the "follow" button!! Ok, thanks.

PROFILES: For those of you who are bloggers you know what your profile is. It would be a huge help if you would have your profile connected to your email. I love to reply to comments and I can only do this if you show your email in your profile. This will not show up on your blog page, but it shows when your comment comes through to me. If you don't know how to do this, here is a short tutorial:

go to your dashboard - click on edit profile by your "picture" - make sure the box next to show email address is checked

Since I have my "bossypants" hat on, one more thing. Some of you do not have comments enabled on your blog posts. I've been by and really want to comment, but it won't let me!!

What else can I tell you to do? Oh okay, tomorrow (Wednesday) night we have a family counseling session. First time (might be the only time). Please pray that God would just be "all over it". This is huge. This is not to make everything better or to reconcile. This is to learn how to still be a family that lives separately. To allow the kids to express themselves to their dad. To allow Don to show the kids how desperately he wants a relationship. To say the kids are less than thrilled is an understatement.....

Pray on!! Love you all so much.

Seeking You

2009-08-23T13:37:00.005-04:00

Do you ever have a song that just goes through your head over and over? You even wake up with it on your mind or it plays in your dreams?

Lately, for me, it's been this song...

The words, "the more I seek you, the more I find you" - those are so true for me. I've been seeking God more in the past two years than ever before. And you know what? I am finding more of Him. He is all over IT!! What is it? He's got me, He's got David, He's got Ellie! He knows my health issues. He knows our broken hearts. He gets it.

I do want to sit at His feet. I do want to lay back against Him. His love is the only love that will truly fulfill. It's not an earthly relationship that bring any of us what we are looking for. His love is indescribable. It is a love full of peace, there is nothing self-centered about His love. He doesn't want anything in return except for us to love Him.

His love brought me to this place. Yes I mean here to blogland. You have showered my family with your love and your prayers. We would not be where we are today without you and I thank you. His love is going to see each of us through whatever comes our way.

Want to share in some of the fun things going on. I was able to take the kids shopping!! I went to David's soccer invitational yesterday!! Ellie is slowing gaining back some strength. David smiles. Counseling continues. I put my feet in the sand again at the beach. Little things - but I am praising God.

Thank you, Lord, for loving me. Thank you that you are always right here. Your eyes are always upon us. Continue to draw us closer to you. Remind us that you are the ONLY answer. Thank you for these friends that I may never meet this side of heaven.

Seeking Him...

This Boy

2009-08-17T22:06:00.009-04:00

This boy...
chosen by God
marked for a purpose

Floundering
wondering
why and when will he know

"Don't we all have a purpose"?
Yes.
"I don't"
Oh yes son you do!!

This boy...
with a heart toward God
yet a heart overcome with fear.

A heart filled with sadness

Loss

Feeling unworthy

Questions

"I pray but

He doesn't hear me.

He doesn't bless me."

This boy

wonders what he did.

How do you tell him that he did nothing.

Wondering why he has a dad like he does

why is his mom sick

why can't he do better in school.

Why?

No answers.

But this I know.

This boy...

is loved!

This boy...

loves!!

This boy

may not feel blessed

but he IS a blessing.

This boy will be used by God.

He will have a story.

He will reach out.

This boy...

how I love him.

Thank you, God, for entrusting this boy to me.

Set Like Flint to Find the Joy

2009-08-13T19:33:00.008-04:00

Why do we persevere through the trials?? Well I guess that really isn't an option. But we do have a choice as to what our attitudes can be while going through trials.

I am choosing joy. I am choosing to believe in the faithfulness and goodness of my God.

When I get to thinking that I have had more than my fair share of "bad" things happen - I have to stop myself. The Lord chose to save my daughter from death when I didn't even know she was at risk of dying. The Lord makes sure that my son gets "caught" almost every time so that I can try and counsel him toward a different path.

God blesses us each and every day!! Honestly I don't have to look very hard for it either. Whether it's a friend stopping by, someone calling to offer to grocery shop, the amazing sunsets we are spoiled to have here over the lake, "coincidences" happening so that Don & I can be on the same page before we need to parent together...or my mom just this very second sending me an email telling me they are coming to get me and go to DQ. NO JOKE - as I was typing this an email popped up. That might mean nothing to you, but to go for a drive with my parents to see the sunset with a mocha chip blizzard - oh the joy!!

Okay guess I have to wrap this up since they'll be here any second. Just want to encourage you to keep your eyes open to the blessings all around you. Do not let satan trip you up and distract you from what the Lord is up to in your life. (I am talking to myself here)

Because the Sovereign LORD helps me, I will not be disgraced. Therefore, have I set my face like flint, and I know I will not be put to shame. (Isaiah 50:7) I pray the LORD finds me with my face set right up against His, pressing on...finding the joy like these two kids of mine!! Life isn't what they want it, they wonder why they can't catch a break...but they are still "living life"...

Have We Reached the Bottom Yet

2009-08-09T21:20:00.003-04:00

UPDATE: I am adding this because my sweet friend Beverly asked about Ellie. She is progressing fine and as far as we know she is on a slow road to recovery. We are very grateful!!

I just read over my past several posts. Comical! In a few of them I talk about how I didn't think things could get any worse and then...wham! I am going to stop writing those posts because we just keep getting hit.

Since I do not have as much freedom in my writing as I used to (as there is someone trying to use my words against me) I am not able to tell you details of what is going on around here. But please know that we need your prayers like never before. Isn't that hard to believe? It's been two years that we've been walking this path and it is worse now than ever.

That's gotta be good!!

God is up to something big and I am going to rejoice in God my Savior (my verses from Habakkuk). He is doing things I never thought possible. He is the provider of all good things. He is watching over David. He is healing Ellie's body. He is giving me some really great days physically. He is providing a godly counselor for our family. He loves us.

HE LOVES US!!

Even as it feels like we are falling further and further into chaos...somehow God is making all things new. That's it! In order for each one of us to be who God has called us to be-He has to make us new. Being made into entirely new people is painful. But, oh, is it gonna be worth it!!

Have we reached the bottom yet? Cuz I cannot wait to see the beauty.

Which Road?

2009-08-06T16:12:00.004-04:00

Tired of taking the high road.

I used that phrase the other day with my friends that I have been doing Bible study with. That was a phrase that I used to use often. It seemed like I was always the one who took the high road. Seems like I am still the one who often takes the high road.

What brought up this conversation between us the other day? Well as were finishing studying Mark one of my friends read to us from the notes in her Bible. It said that Mark is a book about His (Jesus) power as well as His servanthood. I loved that. Jesus chose to put on servanthood so that each one of us would have the opportunity to know His Father!! We were more important than Jesus getting His way or not having to do what someone else should have done or being ridiculed. Jesus took the "high road" for me.

Even with all of His power, He put on humility so that I could have eternal life. So that I could have forgiveness of sin. So that I could have peace. So that I could have someone to call to any time I choose. He was not worried about how many times He had to turn the other cheek.

I got to thinking that instead of being frustrated that I always have to take the high road, I should be grateful. Grateful that I even have the desire to "do right". Grateful that I have a God who equips me to do things and act in ways that are completely out of my human power.

If HE who knew no sin would take on sin for ME....how can I not desire the "high road" so that those around me might come to know HIM as well.

Lord, thank you for the paving the way ahead of me. Thank you for your example in your Word. Thank you for walking each step of this road with me. Even when I take the "low road".

It's A WHAT????

2009-08-03T00:25:00.001-04:00

14 years ago today the midwife said, "It's a girl"!!!!

HUH? It's a what?

Sure enough she was a girl alright. Wasn't expecting it. Even the midwife was surprised. I remember shaking my head in disbelief. I really thought I'd be having another boy. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't disappointed, just shocked.

It's hard to believe that Ellie turns 14 today. Seems just like a couple months ago I was writing a post that she was becoming a teenager. Where does the time go? It keeps going faster and faster.

Today, I don't take it lightly that Ellie is celebrating her birthday. As most of you know, she was quite sick over the past couple of weeks and spent a night in the hospital. What I didn't tell you (because I didn't want her to read it here before talking with her doctor) is how very serious it really was. Ellie was so severely anemic that it was life threatening. That's why we were not allowed to even go home from the doctor before being admitted to the hospital. Ellie was at risk of having a stroke or heart attack. I could have lost my daughter!

Thank you Jesus for sparing her. There are not words to express my gratitude or my wonder at why you have chosen to bless me.

Ellie loves the Lord. Ellie questions what He is doing in our lives. Ellie wonders why all of these "bad" things have happened in the past couple of years. I'm glad that Ellie is wrestling these things out. I pray that the trials and the blessings will build her faith in her God!!

Ellie...we are so glad that God chose to make you part of our family. Happy Birthday and we sure do love you!!

Dear Betty

2009-07-31T01:23:00.003-04:00

I didn't think I would ever address you through one of my posts, but I feel compelled to do that now. Your comments as "Betty, "Anonymous", "Matt White"...well they really have me scratching my head wondering. Wondering why do you care? Why do you take the time to keep reading only to leave comments that are intended to harm and not heal or encourage?

There are times that I delete your comments and those that address you. But I've chosen to stop doing that. The reason?? Well, it's good for me to remember that there are times when I am judgmental of others. There are times when I don't know the whole story and I make assumptions and jump to conclusions. It is clear that although you have mentioned before that you know Don...you really don't KNOW.

You see, none of us can know another person or their circumstances unless we have walked in their shoes. Unless we have lived their life. Nobody knows what it feels like to be me. To be off balance almost 24 hours a day. To be the mom to my 2 kids. To be pursuing my relationship with Jesus Christ. Sure, others can have similar experiences, but they are not mine.

My family. This is MY family. Well, not really. This is the family that God has entrusted me with. This is the life that God has entrusted me with. I am doing my best to seek HIM in all that I do. What would HE want for David and Ellie? What would HE want for Don? What would HE want for me?

Satan has tried to use you to distract me from the race I'm running. Don't get me wrong...I am not saying that you are evil, but satan wants to use your words for evil. I know without a doubt that God has some amazing things in store for my family. Already I am beginning to see a glimpse. You are free and welcome to comment any time that you feel impressed to do so. This is a public forum here and I will be sure to read what you have to say.

As for me, I will remember to reach out to those who are struggling. Not to judge what I have absolutely no real knowledge of. To remember that I only hear one side of things. To ask God for discernment. To use my words to heal and not harm. Will I get it right every time? Nope. But I am sure gonna try.

I am praying for God's continued healing of my family. I am asking God to get me out of the way. To help me to not be offended. To remind me that HE is my avenger and I don't have to defend myself. I hope that you would see Jesus Christ in this blog. Keep looking. This is really all about HIM and not about me at all.

Embraced

2009-07-26T17:52:00.004-04:00

Worn out!!!!

How do people do this? Keep getting hit by one life circumstance after another! And truly what would people do without the Lord to run to?

In my last post, I said that Ellie was sick but would be fine. HAHA. Took her to the doctor on Friday and was told to head to the hospital immediately. She would be admitted. Her red blood count was dangerously low. She had 2 transfusions and 24 hours in the hospital. We are home and she will get better. It will be a long road until she is herself again but we're headed in the right direction.

She and I both broke down in the doctor's office. Enough is enough!! Or is it? These have been the hardest two years in our lives. Can't we just get a break?!

It's been one of those days today where I am kind of numb. There is nothing that I can do about any of the situations we find ourselves in and that is a paralyzing feeling. But at the same time it is a bit freeing. If I know that I can't do anything, then it leaves me no choice but to literally throw it at the Lord. Handle it, please!!

I'm dealing with some anger, feelings of betrayal, exasperation, did I mention anger? Yea, there's quite a bit of anger all aimed in one direction. (no names here) It's one more thing that God is trying to burn out of my life. Refining.

On Friday before I took Ellie to the doctor I found one slip of paper that had gotten stuck in an old dresser. It was from a Bible study that I had done over 10 years ago. It was Habakkuk!! The only verses from this year that I have truly put to memory. Do you think God was reminding me that I will be joyful and rejoice even when.....

Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior. Habakkuk 3:17 & 18.

Habakkuk means...Embraced by God. I am SOOOOOOOO glad He is holding us.

LIVING!!

2009-07-23T15:13:00.004-04:00

Ha! So my last post was titled "Life Stinks"...good thing I didn't know what was coming.

First of all, thanks for your words of encouragement, sometimes we just need to get our feelings out so they don't consume us. At least that's true for me. Those of you have been reading for awhile know that I believe God is very much in control of our lives and I trust Him, but it was just getting hard.

Then the next several days hit. I'll just give you a few highlights. My daughter has been VERY sick. She is going to be fine, but yesterday I found her passed out on the bathroom floor. My son had a run in with his dad. Something that could have been a great connection for them just blew up in both their faces. I received an email telling me I had overstepped my bounds in a certain area. Then my parenting was called into question. I was accused of not really working toward the best interest of the kids and Don.

Seriously....it got to be funny!! My daughter, Ellie and I have spent a lot of time together this week as we've both not felt well. I told her that satan was really after us. Any chance he can get. Any way he can get to us. So each time something new happened we talked about how much we are under attack.

That's a good thing. I mean it's not fun but if he's attacking us - he is worried and we are a threat. God is moving!! Things are happening with Don that make me realize God is hounding him. That's what we've been praying for. Not many people that are in my life on a daily basis read this blog. So it's the prayers of "strangers" that are affecting the life of my husband. (yes, I still call him my husband)

The other day a blog friend of mine, Kiesha, sent me an email. She told me that she heard a song that she thought was just for me but couldn't remember what it was. In the meantime she read my last post about life stinking and decided that she had heard God wrong and that song wasn't right for me. The next day she gets in her car with me on her mind and what song would come on the radio? YEP. So she sent it to me right away.

The song talks about about God finding you. And finally living for the first time. Living!!

I am living like never before. Is it hard? You bet, but wow it feels good to really live the life that God intended. I know He is healing. I am believing in the miracles that we are going to be walking out!!!

Life Stinks!?

2009-07-19T19:24:00.004-04:00

Have you ever read a blog that was just full of complaints and moaning? Honestly, I can't stand reading that stuff. If you consistently focus on the negative...you become negative. If you can't find God's goodness in the midst of your chaos...I don't have much patience.

So, I will definitely NOT be reading this post. It will be full of complaining and moaning and negativity! You've been warned, so feel free to move right along.

I want to trade in my deck of cards for a new one. I want someone to wave a magic wand and make all things better. I want help in raising my kids. I want a "do over".

There is one teenager in my house that is in crisis. He worries me. He breaks my heart.

There is another teen in my house that lets her true feelings peek out only every once in awhile. They peeked out today. Wow, it's sad!

We are all wallowing in it today. You know, one of those days when you just jump in the mud pit, roll around and just let everyone around you know how bad it is!! Good thing it's the three of us here and we aren't subjecting anyone else to our ugly moods. (except those of you who are still reading!)

"Nothing in life is going right". That is the quote of the day. Instead of telling the kids all the things that are good, I am letting them vent. I need those days myself. And honestly, it really does feel like nothing is going right.

My last post was about being desperate. Didn't think that I was going to become even more desperate, but that is indeed what has happened. I truly do believe that my God has not forgotten me, He has not forgotten my kids. I read today in Isaiah and was reminded again that I am engraved on the palms of His hands. I am asking God to bring relief, to show Himself, to strengthen me, to be a parent to my kids, to provide, to heal. And you know what, I am not asking anything of Him that He is not able to do.

Life stinks right now, but God isn't surprised.

Life stinks right now but I wouldn't trade it for anyone else's.

Desperate

2009-07-14T14:33:00.003-04:00

Desperate?

Am I desperate?

Yes, I believe I am. Desperate for Jesus to come in and fill up my life! I've had enough of worrying. Enough of the anxiety. Enough of the hurt and the anger. Empty me, Lord. I am desperate.

This is really not a bad place to be. This place of desperation. Where you realize that you simply cannot do it any more. I'm not talking morbidly about giving up on your life. I'm talking about realizing that you need more of God. There is no use trying to "do" life in your own power.

David and Don will be together today. That is supposed to bring me great joy. It does not. So, today I am asking God to take over my emotions and to forgive me for my attitude. I am desperate for God to work today!

It's easy to say you want certain things. Or that you believe certain things. Until you are faced with them. I don't want to be full of lip service. And I know I can be. It's hard for our humanness to not get in the way, but I am desperate for God to lead.

God has chosen to wrestle with me. I have been chosen. That is humbling! The God of the universe has His eyes and heart set on me and believes there is something worth wrestling through. I am desperate to learn from this. I am desperate to be different.

If you are in a desperate place right now, seek Him more. He has not abandoned you. In our desperation we need to bend the knee, look up, reach out to Him, empty ourselves and beg Him to take our desperation and make it into what HE wants.

Desperate and grateful for it!

What Did We Do?

2009-07-09T13:33:00.004-04:00

"What did we do to deserve this?"

This was a question asked of me by my 16 year old son. I sat on his bed and cried with him. He is going through a very rough break-up with his girlfriend. I know there are lots who would just brush this off as young love, but I want him to know that I will never make light of his feelings.

However...he was not just referring to the break up.

THIS that he refers to is the break-up of his relationship, his mom being ill, the break-up of his family, feeling abandoned by his dad. The list goes on and on for him. He wonders why he can't have just one thing in his life that is stable.

There is nothing I want more than for my kids to really love the Lord. When life circumstances stink it is easy to question God and His love. Even as an adult. But as a teen...wow it's tough. I told him (David) that maybe God is trying to get his attention. Maybe David has turned his back on God and HE is trying to draw him back. Not that God wants us go through pain but maybe through the pain we will turn to the Lord. The only One who can really comfort.

So he asks what did we do to deserve this. I answer that WE did not do anything.

These next words are ones that I have said only to myself. I don't believe that teenagers want spirituality thrown in their faces when they are going through tough times. But I know that there was something for me to learn by David asking that question.

Why don't we ask "what did we do to deserve this" when great things happen? I don't deserve God's mercy and grace. I don't deserve God's forgiveness. I don't deserve to have been born into a Christ centered family. I don't deserve to have great friends. I don't deserve to live in America with all of its freedom.

God does not treat us as we "deserve" and boy am I grateful for that.

There are so many blessings in my life. I am able to see that and I pray that one day my children will see the blessings as well. For now, I keep loving, listening, praying, encouraging and wrestling this thing out.

Wrestling

2009-07-06T11:49:00.003-04:00

If I could write knowing that "anonymous" would not be analyzing every word I write, here is what I would have to say.

We're struggling. This is HARD! I can't catch my breath. There are times that I think about the situation we are in and push the thoughts aside because it brings on so much anxiety. How are we ever going to make ends meet? What on earth can I do from home to bring in money? Is David going to be alright? What can I do to help him? Both kids have zero relationship with Don. They say they never had one before, so how/why should they have one now?

Don is hurting. I know that. But we all are. I am living it every single day and he doesn't have to see it.

Why is God allowing this?

I don't want to wrestle with God any more. Boy, I just want to come to a place of rest. Where I can rest in the knowledge that God is good! I can get to that place and then something will happen and I will jump from that place of rest. Sure this is a process. I know that. Everyone has something.

Lord, be near. I know you are but today I need to FEEL it. I need to KNOW it. You have done great things in our lives. I thank you for that. Get me out of the way if I am blocking what you are trying to do. Keep refining me. Keep refining us. But, please be gentle. This is painful. I know you are very acquainted with pain and I know that you love us. You never promised that we'd have lives that were problem free. But you did promise that you'd never leave us or forsake us. You are IN this with me. We are doing this TOGETHER!! Thank you, Lord.

**guess i am going to post this anyway, because i think God wants me to**

The Gift

2009-06-29T20:28:00.004-04:00

I've got nothing deep, nothing that God is saying to me. But I have a heart that is full and it needs to "get out". Think I'll just write about us tonight. It's been awhile since I've given you a real update on what is going on around here.

A year ago I had the privilege of meeting some Christian women online to do a Bible study. Friendships were formed and we loosely talked about one day meeting. It was hard to hear all the talk because of how sick I was. I knew it wouldn't be possible for me. Fast forward...I have just returned from Tennessee where I was able to meet several of them in person. GOD IS SO GOOD!! We had a riot. I witnessed God moving in my life so that I could be there. Thankful!!

My health is still a day to day journey. Some days are very decent and I can drive around town, do some grocery shopping (always accompanied by someone), eat out, clean house...all things I love. I have even been able to go to a friend's for Bible study once a week and you know I've been to church a few times! God has brought me so far in the past two years as far as my health goes. Even though each day presents me with challenges, I am trying to be grateful for how far I have come!!

God continues to ask me to pray for restoration of my family. Healing. Beauty from ashes! My "gut" still says that it will happen one day. When I see my kids and the pain they are going through. When I hear the pain in Don's voice. When I miss being married. In those times, it is easy for me to pray for healing. But when I get caught up in the selfishness of being alone (hard to explain that) there are times when I do not want to pray for restoration. Trying to be obedient. Trying to keep my heart softened to what God wants!!

I am so grateful for all of you and for your prayers. Please pray for my kids. David breaks my heart. I want to be able to make it okay for him. I know I can't. Ellie is in denial that her heart is hurting. It's not that I want the wound to bleed for her, but I want her to understand her need to deal with the loss.

I am hanging on and believing that God really does bring good from all things. He ALWAYS has in my past and I know He will continue to! There is so much good that has come already. I wouldn't change it for anything. The sickness has been a gift.

No greater gift than to be pursued by our Savior in order to know Him better.

Worry Not...

2009-06-22T19:28:00.005-04:00

This may be written just for me. So that I have a record of what God is doing in my life. He continues to amaze me in how intimately involved He is in my life.

In my last post I mentioned that I had stopped memorizing scripture this year after getting through nine of them. On Saturday evening I was able to attend church again even though I was feeling very symptomatic. (sometimes you just have to push through things even though it's hard) I was thrilled to be there. Once the sermon began, we were asked to turn Luke 12:22-31. So I get out my Bible, turn and begin reading to myself.

WHOA!!

It's the birds again. If you've been reading, you might remember I wrote a post titled For the Birds. I was memorizing from the Matthew passage, but it is the same principle. Don't worry! If He takes care of the birds, how much more will He take care of us.

Would you believe that is the last passage of scripture that I memorized. I wondered why I had stopped and I think on Saturday God gave me my answer. I am camping on those verses for awhile. There are a lot of worries in my life. I'm not one to stress out, complain or spend my time in worry. But I am realizing that my life is full of stress, whether realized or not.

Money - there's not enough, I can't work, how will we make it?

Health - I have some really great days, things are better than before, but I am far from healed, will I ever be?

Family - will the kids ever have a good relationship with their dad? What are they stuffing? How rejected do they feel? What more can I do to help bring healing for all of us? (Don included)

Ok, I will not bore you with all the details, but you get the idea. You have your own life, your own worries. He, God, is reminding me that He has always provided in the past. He shows up. Actually, He never leaves! He has performed miracles in my life. He will again. He is the same God, He cares deeply, I am never out of His sight.

Lord, you know my heart. You know what is weighing heavily on me. Show me when I am worrying and help me claim your promises in my life. Worry not!!

Have Your Way

2009-06-18T18:36:00.002-04:00

Remember how I was going to memorize a new scripture every 2 weeks for the entire year?? I would have 24 new truths to be able to quickly draw from. Well, I got through the first 9 and then stopped. Quit. I am really good at that. My follow through is less than stellar.

Honestly, in this case I am okay with that. When I start to paint something and never finish, that is a completely different story. The reason I am okay with this is because I haven't heard God really telling me any more verses to put to memory for now. I don't want to just complete the task for the sake of saying I finished. I want to hear God and do what He says! (kinda)

And boy has HE been talking!! How much you wanna' bet that He is talking a lot and I just don't bother to hear and listen? He is talking in themes right now. Like I said in my previous post, He is preparing me. Actually when I read back through several posts, there is a lot I could relearn. Remember that most of the time I sit and type while God is telling me what to write - so often I have no idea what I have written. It would probably be helpful to go back and read them again!! (wow, i am quick)

Since God started talking with me after I became ill, the theme has been Know...Trust...Love. If I know HIM better, I will trust Him and I will love Him more. That has been my heart's cry for several years that I would really love Jesus. And I finally do! And because I do I want to be obedient because I can trust Him and I know He loves me. If He is asking something of me it's because He knows what great things will come to my life (on earth and eternally) if I will listen and obey.

It's that simple song many of us learned as children. "Trust and Obey". It really is easier to obey Him, if we trust Him. Lord, I KNOW that you have exciting, scary, wonderful things in store for this family. Each one of us. Keep moving me out of the way when I am hindering your perfect will in our lives. Have your way!!

I Am NOT Listening

2009-06-14T17:39:00.004-04:00

I was able to go to the Saturday evening service at church last night!! This is only the 5th time I've attended church since I got sick. Sure do miss being there. I love it!

Sat down and started to look at the bulletin. My last blog post was titled "From the Inside Out". Guess what the sermon series at church is titled? YEP. "From the Inside Out"...freak me out!!! So, I thought, "how cool that God has been preparing me already."

And then.....

Our pastor asks us to turn to Luke 6:27. Flipped my Bible to that passage and immediately decided that I better stick my fingers in my ears and loudly say "LALALALALALALA". (of course, I didn't really do this) How could I have thought that God had been preparing me and then get this passage thrown at me. Shoot!!

Here are the verses - But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you."If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' lend to 'sinners,' expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful. Luke 6:27-36

As our pastor pointed out, many of us don't like to think in terms of having enemies, but we have that person that we would say is an "antagonist". Obviously I knew immediately who my "enemy" is. And I really did not want to hear what God was asking of me.

The passage is full of action words. It's not enough to say we love our enemies, we have to take action. Do good. Bless. Pray. Give. Be merciful. Last night was the first time I have been able to take communion in almost 2 years. I knew that I couldn't participate in the Lord's Supper without first surrendering my agenda to God. Do I want to do good, bless, pray for and give to my "enemy"?? NO, but God wants me to.

Who is it for you? Ask God to show you ways to put your love for HIM into action. And feel free to ask me how I am doing in blessing and showing mercy.

From the Inside Out

2009-06-10T19:51:00.003-04:00

So, I started a new Bible study today. Guess what we're studying? The BIBLE!! Nothing else. We are going to read through the book of Mark and just discuss. I love that. This is a first for me. I've done countless different studies. Surely I've read every page of the Bible. But I am usually reading in order to fill in a blank or to do a devotion. This time, I will read the words that God has written and just see what HE has to say to me.

Today we talked about the first two chapters. The part that made the biggest impression on me is the story about the friends who take the paralytic on his mat to see Jesus. It is a story that I am very familiar with. Maybe too familiar with and would tend to just skip right through it. Not this time. This time I read it as if I hadn't seen it before.

By the time they got to the home where Jesus was, there was no more room. Did they give up and go home? No, they climbed on the roof, dug a hole through it and lowered their friend in. They chased after Jesus, knowing that He was the answer.

When Jesus spoke to the paralytic, He told him that because of his faith his sins were forgiven! Did He not notice that the man was paralyzed? Of course, but Jesus knew what the more important healing was. Healing from the inside. Forgiveness that would lead to a relationship with the Father and eternity in heaven. HE wanted the man's soul. HE wanted to be sure that the man received the best gift possible.

As a bonus...the man was also healed of his physical limitations. AS A BONUS!! I need to really know that. It's not about our comfort. It's not about how much are we enjoying our life. It's not all about the here and now. Does God care about those things? Sure He does, but not as much as He cares about US.

I want to be like those friends. Tenacious. Willing. Full of faith.

I want to be like the paralytic. Healed from the inside out.

525,600 x 2

2009-06-06T19:20:00.002-04:00

One year ago today I wrote this post. (did you go read it? - ok, good!) I had no idea that I would spend another 525,600 minutes without full health. Good thing we don't know what's ahead sometimes.

Here is the part of that post that kind of gets to me...

I'm wondering what the next year has in store. But I hope to take it minute by minute. I believe there will be restoration. Restoration of my health. Restoration of my marriage and family. I don't know how it will look. It may not be the way I would choose it. But I am letting go and letting God have this year. Without Him, I don't know where I'd be. Literally!! I pray that the next 525,600 minutes will be measured by "Seasons of Love".

This past year ended up looking nothing like I thought it would. I truly thought there would be healing for me physically and that my marriage & family would be back together. Instead I still struggle with my health, my marriage ended and the kids don't have a relationship with their dad.

BUT...

There has been restoration. Healing for me has come spiritually in a way that I cannot fully describe. Issues, addictions, unresolved grief - healed!! I told someone the other day that I believe wounds do heal, but you are often left with a scars. Honestly, I am glad for the scars. They make me who I am. They remind me of God's mercy. In speaking with my counselor I said that I didn't want my past to define me. However, I stopped myself and realized that my past is my story and I'm glad for the story I have.

It's been a rough 525, 600 minutes but I live a life pretty full of joy. Not a day goes by without God amazing me with something. Not a day goes by that we don't die laughing. Not a day goes by that my kids and I don't say "I love you". Not a day goes by that I take health for granted. A day does not go by that I am not reminded that God has chosen/allowed this path for me for a purpose!!

I don't know "why me", but why not me? I pray that He trusts me with another year of minutes and that He will find me faithful to do what He is asking.

Looking forward to experiencing the next year with each of you. Cannot wait to see what God has in store for you as well. Let's spend the next 525,600 minutes being measured by "Seasons of Love".

Pray Believing

2009-06-03T17:09:00.003-04:00

The past couple days have been a struggle. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually.

Had a pretty good run where my symptoms were manageable. I am grateful for that. It will be a long time (hopefully forever) before I take for granted the ability to walk to a car, get in it and drive. However, when the symptoms come back, it does get me down. I know that's ok to be disappointed. Just wish it was different.

The physical always brings out the other two. Emotional and spiritual. Being sick and alone is hard. It is an "in your face" reminder that I am doing this alone. (ok, I know that God is always with me, but you know what I am talking about) I do not want to be someone who complains about my circumstances either. However, when life is hard, I think we need to be honest.

So, when I get symptomatic again, I start having a hard time praying. Well, that's not entirely true. I've been struggling with my prayer life for awhile now. Sometimes I wonder, "why pray"? God is going to do what He's going to do. Do I even believe that He performs miracles any more? Do I dare ask? Someone said the other day that one of the purposes of prayer is to be able to listen more closely for the voice of the Lord. I liked that. Not about the asking, pleading, begging....but about having a conversation. Hearing HIM.

What is He saying to me these past few days?

Get on your knees, Sheryl and PRAY. Talk to me! Do not shut me out. Keep praying for healing in your body. Keep praying for the healing of your family.

Really, Lord? Are you sure?

Part of me wants to say that our family is fine. And for the most part we are. But when you look deep down, deep within, we are four hurting people that don't really know how to live in this new life. God promised me "beauty from ashes" in my marriage many years ago. I really believed that to be as an intact family. Why have I given up praying for that?

Because I don't want to be disappointed!!

Let us all ask for what God has placed on our hearts to pray. Pray believing that He is able. Pray believing that He is listening. Pray believing that above all else He is interested in the health of our souls! I am going to start praying again. With a new passion. I am going to take back the ground that satan has tried to steal from us.

I would love to pray for you. Let's pray....BELIEVING!

Absolutely NOT!

2009-05-31T15:04:00.003-04:00

If you've been around here long enough, you know how it goes with me and the Lord. I get this unsettled feeling that there is something I need to write. Never really knowing for sure what it's supposed to be. Today it is almost an overwhelming sensation. Try as I might to do other things, I just can't shake the "need" to get it written. Problem is...I have no idea what IT is.

Just finished reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan for the second time. Amazing book. Life changing book if you don't just set it aside and say that it was a good read. I tend to do that. Feel some conviction, ponder - then nothing! This time I just know that I know that I know that there is something I need to obey. Something I need to DO.

So, I ask God. Show me. I read back through the verses I am memorizing for this year. Thinking maybe there is something in there. I come across the verses in Mark that I memorized. (ok, that is a lie, I did not memorize them - I said I would, but they are not in my memory bank) It's from Mark 11:24-25 and my paraphrase is that when you ask for something in prayer, believe that you have received it.

Thing is, there is more to those verses. It also says that if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you. Well.....this is how that conversation just went between me and the Creator of the Universe.

Me: So, are you saying that I have to forgive Don?

God: silence

Me: Well, it's not gonna happen!!

Yep, that is how I just talked to God. Good thing He is not in the mood to zap me today. Seriously, who do I think I am? God isn't asking us if we "feel like" forgiving people. He is commanding us to. You know that usually (always) when there is a command it is for our own good, because He loves us. He knows that if we follow what He tells us to do, then our lives will be full of more joy, peace, contentment.

Don does not need to admit his faults (boy I want that). Don does not need to say he had any role in the disintegration of our marriage (I really want that). Don does not need to ask for forgiveness! I am not forgiving him for his sake but for mine. To be free from bitterness. To be free from continued pain. To be obedient to a Father who loved me enough to send His Son to die on a cross for sins that I never even admitted to.

Lord, I do NOT want to do this. There is nothing in me that wants to forgive. It will only be You in me. Fill me up Lord, get rid of me. Empower me to do what I cannot.

Phew...I am exhausted!

Normal?

2009-05-26T14:21:00.003-04:00

New normal.

That's been my mantra for the past 2 years. As we all have been adjusting to illness, separation, divorce...let's figure out how to do life in our "new normal". Have to tell you that just when you think you know what your normal is - it changes again. When I first became sick, I begged God to heal me. When healing did not come I begged to have joy in my new normal. He was faithful to bring me joy.

Normal changed again when Don left.

Ok God, now what? We'll be separated for awhile, we will all get the help we need and you will heal our family. Right? Isn't that what you are going to do Lord? Well, I can live with that. This will be my new normal until our family is whole again.

Normal changed again when divorce papers were served.

Are you kidding me, Lord? You aren't really going to let this happen, are you? Well...I guess so. Alright then, we'll learn to live in this new normal. Kids devastated, I've lost the one I walked through the last 18 years with, alone with my illness and yet...JOY. No, not happy! JOY.

God never promised us normal. He never promised us an easy life. But He did promise that He will never leave us. He does promise that He will walk each step of the way with us. There are so many of you going through things that are unthinkable to me. Life is hard! But there can be JOY in the midst of it. Look for it. It's there. Do not miss the blessings in the midst of your pain.

I would not trade the past 24 months for anything!! Inexpressible pain and heartache? Yes. But knowing Jesus like I do now makes it all worth while. Still praying for complete healing of my body and my family. Praying that God will work in the lives of David and Ellie in miraculous ways. It's hard when your life circumstances affect those you love the most. But I know that God will be faithful to them. I have to trust them to Him.

May this family never take "normal" for granted again. Lord, use us in the lives of others. Bring healing. And thank you for Your Joy in every "new normal" that we walk through.

We Are Healed

2009-05-21T12:05:00.005-04:00

By His wounds. That is how we are healed. Healed from our sins, death. We don't have to pay the price - He does it. He did it!! I woke up the other night (honestly, I had not fallen asleep yet) with this song on my heart. I watched this video in the middle of that night with tears streaming down my face. Realizing what I had done and what He chose to do for me. Take just a minute if you can and watch some of this. (don't leave me though, because I'm not done)

If that is the "only" healing I get, I want to be satisfied. My complete physical healing may never come. My family may never find healing. In the end those are not the things that truly matter. Don't get me wrong, I want them desperately and pray for them daily - but it can't be my focus.

I want to live a life of gratitude for what Christ did for a sinner like me. A woman who was in the pit for years. Shoot - I jumped in that pit. I stayed there because I thought I was having a good time. I made choices and decisions to sin. AND HE STILL CHOSE TO DIE FOR ME! He took the punishment to bring me peace.

Peace! That is what I would like my life to model. It's hard when anger is being spewed at me. When I see my kids suffering. When I want to "right a wrong." Then I remember it is not up to me to make all things right. God is in charge. He is the avenger. He is the healer. He is going to bring beauty from ashes.

Lord, I want to live a life worthy of your sacrifice. I want to live as the "healed" child that I am. Full of peace, joy, love, faithfulness, goodness, kindness. Remind me of the price you paid. Thank you for loving me and choosing me. A sinner, one who would turn my back on you. Thank you for what you will continue to do in our lives.

We are healed......

For The Birds...

2009-05-17T13:37:00.003-04:00

So, Friday morning was the 15th of the month, which meant it was time to pick a new verse to memorize. (If you're new here, I am doing the LPM challenge to memorize a new scripture every two weeks.) The first thing that popped into my brain was "what about that bird verse that you sort of memorized a few years ago". Yeah, I am really deep like that.

The "bird verse" was from Matthew and had something to do with not worrying about what you eat or your body and you can't....um...well that was kind of how I had it memorized!! So, I filed that thought away and went on with my day. Later I opened my front door and this is no joke - there were two baby birds sitting on some leaves on my sidewalk (right in front of my door) that started opening their little beaks to me for food!! Wow, how cool is that. Hmmm, wonder if God is trying to tell me something. Can you believe I still was not convinced that I was to memorize those verses?!

Friday was the day that my bonus daughter graduated from college in Texas. The kids were supposed to go, but the timing just didn't allow them to be away from school. And I wasn't able to travel because of this pesky illness. Anyway, P's mom let me know that we could watch a live stream of the graduation on the computer. Awesome! So we sat down and started watching. Soon it was time for the president of the university to make his speech. He started by saying that he wanted to read a few words that Jesus had given to us...

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?" (Matthew 6:25-26)

THE BIRDS!!!!

Okay, Lord, I get it. You would really like me to KNOW these words. These are not just words, these are words that Jesus Christ spoke!! As I thought back to those baby birds at my front door and realized that GOD knew THEIR needs. Those tiny little creatures in Michigan were known by the creator of the universe!! If He takes care of them - well, of course, He will take care of me. He knows my needs. He longs to be the meeter of my needs. I am valuable to Him. You are valuable to Him.

Isn't that just mind blowing? Maybe I am the only one excited about this but I need to know that I do not ever leave the mind of God. His eyes are always upon me.

I do not want to spend my life worrying. It's a waste of time. It's not His will for my life. I want to be like those baby words...fully expecting that He will feed me. Arms, heart, mind WIDE open to receive what HE has to give!

To Whom Much is Given...

2009-05-13T12:06:00.007-04:00

Much is expected.

That is a loose translation from a verse in Luke 12. It's one that has been rolling around in my head the past couple days. That can only mean one thing - I am supposed to write about it. It's not the only thing repeating itself in my brain. The other is the song "Mercy Came Running". I've been waking up singing this song. So, let's see what it is that the Lord wants to teach me.

It used to be that I thought "to whom much is given, much is expected" meant money and material things. It does. But that's not where it stops. Whatever we have been given "much" of, we are expected to give out. So, what have I been given "much"?

Mercy. (hmmm?)
Forgiveness.
Love.
Grace.
Freedom.
Friendships.
Joy.
Peace.

Those are just the first things that popped into my head. (Remember I am writing this as I type, so I have to believe that God is directing this) I have been given those things in abundance. Today I believe that it must be mercy where I am supposed to camp.

Mercy in biblical terms means not getting what you deserve. As in punishment. Death. Grace is getting something we don't deserve and mercy is not getting what we do deserve. God in all of His love and goodness has extended both to me (and to you). However, his mercy has been extended over and over and over. A long time ago I wrote a post titled Running and Chasing which shows how much I ran from the Lord. Yet...His mercy came running!!

If I have been given so much then I need to extend just as much if not more. I need to pour out all that has been given. Not just the mercy. I need to seek out those who are feeling all alone since I have been given friendship. I need to find those that aren't feeling loved and show them love. There are many who are living joyless lives while I have been given joy immeasurable.

Honestly I have no idea of the purpose of this post. It may be just for me and to remind me that God is expecting me to pour out from all the He has given. My heart races when I think that I might miss the purpose and calling for my life. I don't want to! Lord, thank you for all that you've given me. Help me to know what to do with it. Show me who needs some of the "much".

New Thing

2009-05-09T01:20:00.003-04:00

Yes, you are in the right place!! Don't you love it? Even if you don't, just say you do. My friends Kate and Heather over at Smitten Blog Designs were gracious enough to put up with me. They were incredible to work with!

It's time for new beginnings, so I thought I would start with an overhaul of The Perch.

My prayers for my family are changing. They are God directed now. (you know I tend to tell God what I think He should do and He really does know better) I have already seen incredible evidence of God's faithfulness just in the past 24 hours. He never ceases to amaze me.

It's hard to pray for people who have hurt you. Well, it's hard to pray with a pure heart. At least for me it has been. I am committing once again to praying Ephesians 1:17&18 for Don. I know his heart and it is one that wants so much to be a dad to his kids. Seeing the pain in the eyes of the kids, I know that his pain must be even deeper. Praying that God keeps my heart filled with compassion toward Don.

I am going to continue to try new things to push myself even when I am feeling symptomatic. It's hard - but it's a beginning! Put my feet in the lake today for the first time since the summer of 2006!! Amazing. Hoping to get to do lots more of that with David and Ellie. They are looking forward to having a bit more of their mom back.

My "bonus daughter" graduates from college next week. What a new beginning for her. Real life. A job. (or maybe more school?) She's scared, yet excited at the same time. Wish we could be there with her but it just isn't going to work out. She has a heart for the Lord and I pray that she would allow Him to direct her steps in this new path.

New beginnings are great!! Sure it is unknown. Sure sometimes they are painful. But if we remember who is allowing the new beginnings, we can look forward expectantly. I have always loved Isaiah 43:19, See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.

HE (GOD) is making the way. I am excited for the new thing!!

Running the Race

2009-05-06T19:25:00.005-04:00

"Don't you trust me?"

Those are the words that God has been asking me over the past several days. Oh, how I want to just say "yes, of course, I trust you". But my actions convey the truth. Stress. Anxiety. Anger.

There are so many scriptural cliches that we throw around. "Cast all your cares on Him" or "It all works out for good" or "He knows the plans He has for you". Yeah, yeah, I know it!! But it doesn't make it any easier for me to just know it. I need to believe those things and behave like it!

What does it mean for me to cast my cares? It does not mean to approach the Lord and tell Him my problems and hope that He keeps them. It does not mean to be in denial and pretend like I have no cares. What does it mean to cast? The dictionary says it is to throw or hurl, to throw off or away. That takes a lot of action!!

I want to picture myself - my cares - and THROW THEM OFF of me!! Right into the waiting hands of God. Trusting that He will catch them. Knowing that He will catch them. When they start creeping back up (which they often do) I will forcefully throw them right back to Him.

Tired of satan trying to defeat me. God has a plan for my life. I only have one chance at this. My life is meant to have meaning. So is yours. Let's throw off all that hinders us and run this race!

Overflow

2009-05-02T21:03:00.004-04:00

Hey!! Yes, I am still alive. Just had some personal things going on that I needed to work through. Life is good on this Saturday night in Michigan. It's been a beautiful day and one that I have enjoyed immensely!! Love these days.

As most of you know I am doing the Beth Moore challenge to memorize a scripture every two weeks. It's that time again to pick the next one. I am typing this without any idea still what my verse is going to be this time. Hmmm...maybe as I keep typing it will come to me??

It's been awhile since I've given you an update on the kids. Thanks so much for all your prayers for them. David is doing really well. (Thank you, Jesus) He continues to see his counselor every couple of weeks and is making great progress. He and Don see each other about once a week and talk/text several times during the week. I know that David needs this and I pray that one day this will be the father/son relationship that they both want.

Ellie still struggles with seeing Don. (she refuses) I understand it, but it's sad. I would like to wave a magic wand and make all the relationships everything that each of them want. Yes, I know that's not possible, but a girl can dream. And we can pray. I do that. A lot!

God created us for relationship. With each other. But really he created us to be in relationship with Him. Isn't that so cool that He WANTED to have a relationship with each one of us. He didn't need to - he wanted to!! That really is more than my little brain can fathom. It should be enough for each of us to realize that the creator of the universe wants to be all we need!! Wow. If we could find our satisfaction in Christ alone then so many other relationships would just fall into place. They would be our overflow!!

This is such a transition period for me in my life right now. I know I'm being healed and that is more exciting than I ever thought possible! Not sure where God is taking me next but I want to be ready. I want my relationship with Jesus to be real. Genuine. Fulfilling. I want to love Him more.

Here it is: Romans 15:3 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Yep, that fits right where I am! He will fill me with joy and peace (which I need so desperately) but my part is to trust Him. The verse says He will fill me with those things AS I trust in Him. And I will OVERFLOW with hope! Doesn't get much better than that.

Miracles and a Giveaway

2009-04-24T12:23:00.003-04:00

It is over 70 degress and sunny in Michigan today!!! After the longest, roughest winter in history (exaggeration) I am so excited to see nice weather.

Head over here to my other blog for a giveaway.

And...the weather is not the only miracle in my life that I want to share with you.

*I drove the soccer carpool last night
*I mowed the backyard today

WHOOP!!

Walking in Freedom

2009-04-21T12:26:00.004-04:00

Here we go...

Nothing in my brain but fingers are itching to "write". Kind of tired of everyone being attacked by satan. Feeling pretty sick of him. There is a victorious life for us all to live but he keeps trying to trip us up. For me - I am letting him. He uses the same things, he is not very creative. So, why do I keep falling for it??

I asked a group of friends to "get real" yesterday and you would not believe the things that people are dealing with. Well, sure you would, because you all are dealing with them too. But for some reason most people keep those things to themselves. Like if they don't talk about them then maybe they'll just go away. That is exactly what satan wants. Secrets, things in the dark...we need to expose them to The Light!! Just because we struggle and have issues does not make us less than. We are not "worse Christians". We are not a burden to our friends. We are not alone!!

It has been a burning desire of mine to see others walk in freedom. I've tasted what that freedom walk feels like and it is GOOD! I want it back. I want to love the Lord more. I want to "want Him" in my life. Does that make sense?

God is giving me more physical healing and that is wonderful!! But...I want my heart to be healed. Not from the divorce, not from the heartache of the kids, not from fear (although all that healing would be great). I want my heart to be healed - I want it to be a heart that is sold out for Jesus. That is not so easily swayed by the lame tactics of the devil. I just want to be in love with the Lord Jesus.

Are you struggling? Are your burdens heavy? If you don't feel like you want to share them here (you can always be anonymous), please find someone to "get real" with. Freedom is ours. HE has already purchased it with His own blood. Let's live in it!!

If You Ask Him, Be Ready for the Answer

2009-04-15T11:37:00.004-04:00

The Lord and I have been having an ongoing conversation lately. Now that I am divorced. Single. A single mom. A single, sick mom. I've been asking God what should I be doing to earn money. Would He bring me something that I could do from home? I keep asking and do you know what He keeps saying?

Give.

Huh?

Hold on a second, Lord...You aren't even letting me get through my whole sentence and You keep telling me to GIVE??? Is that really what you're saying?

Yep! (ok, I know the Lord probably doesn't say YEP, but He does in my mind)

It has been the strangest thing. I do not hear God audibly but in my heart, my spirit, I just know it's Him. And truly each time I ask about earning money He tells me to give. So I have begun to do that. I am not relaying this story to you to boast about giving but to have a record of how God is working in my life.

Honestly there has never been a time in my life where I really NEEDED God to meet all of my needs. Sure there would be weeks where money was tight but this "new life" of mine is completely out of my hands. Completely!! I need Him in a way I've never needed Him before. I have no way to earn extra money. I have no way of healing myself. I have no way of protecting my kids from heartache.

But HE does. His ways are higher than my ways. (ok, as you know I write these things on the fly, I don't plan them out...I have to tell you what JUST happened) I was in the middle of that last sentence when my dad came into my house. He had taken my car to the shop because it's "acting up". He just told me that it will be ready tomorrow and it will be $800!!!! Okay I just cracked up.

Good thing I have decided that God is control and I am trusting HIM alone. I've been wondering what my next memory verse should be and I think it should be something about God supplying my needs but I'm led now to believe it's even more than that. I am going to memorize Malachi 3:10 (and no, I don't just know these verses, I googled verses that speak about supplying needs). Here is the verse:

Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this, says the Lord Almighty, and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it.

What is God saying to you that seems ridiculous? Where do you need to trust Him?

Finding Shelter

2009-04-08T21:08:00.003-04:00

Loving memorizing scripture this year! It really is life to me. The verse I am meditating on for this two weeks is Psalm 91:1 "He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty".

Love that! Love it!!

Dwells in the shelter of the Most High. Not comes and goes. Not on an as needed basis. But dwelling there. I want to dwell there. Live there. And it's not just any old place, it is in the shelter of the Most High.

What will I find there, what will you find there? We will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. He covers us. Everywhere we turn we will see His shadow going out around us. That scripture holds truth for each one of us. No matter our circumstances. No matter how hard life is or how wonderful life is. We need to dwell in His shelter. I don't want to just learn a verse and think "how cool" I want to claim it for my life. I want to know the truth of it, believe it and live it.

Praying that I will start dwelling with the Lord more. He desires to give me rest. He is still bringing beauty from ashes in my life. I would love to hear how you have seen Him bring beauty from ashes in your life, if you have something to share.

Let's start dwelling in the shelter of the MOST HIGH!!

New Beginnings

2009-04-03T14:18:00.003-04:00

"Today is the first day of the rest of your life". That quote has always been so silly to me. DUH? We all know that! Why is it a quote? However, today I am seeing it in a whole new way. My life as I knew it before is over. So, this really is the first day of my NEW LIFE! Divorce papers are signed. They just need to be filed at the courthouse, but it's over. Very surreal to sign your name a couple of times and end something that has been a part of who you are for 19 years. I am no longer someone's wife. I am no longer married. WOW!!

BUT...I am still Sheryl. Still a believer in my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Still a mom. Still a daughter. Still a sister and a friend. Still a lover of shoes & bags! Still one who loves to laugh & cry. Still the funniest person I know (and the most modest) You get the point. I may have lost a descriptor of who/what I am, but I have not lost myself.

God has big things in store for me. I know it. It's scary and it's exciting. The healing begins today. I choose to walk into that healing, begging for the ability to forgive, willing to do whatever it takes to come out of this a better person. A stronger person. One who loves deeper. And one who is not afraid!!

Fun news? Yes, there is some fun news. At least I think so. You see that little button over there on the right that says "Go Ask Sadie"? Well...that is a new blog I am starting. I will NEVER leave The Perch, this is my baby. But, I wanted to try something new. I've loved being help to others with questions and issues that they have emailed me. Someone suggested that I start a blog just for those questions. Fun, deep, trivial, serious...whatever!! Just a place for us to gather and ask things and help each other!

Thanks for all your support. I know I say it a lot, but I really could not have done this without you. God is so incredibly good to give us things (people) that we didn't even know to ask for. Love you all and I hope you'll visit Sadie sometime soon.

A Wild Ride

2009-03-29T19:43:00.005-04:00

This past Monday I found out that Don is going through with the divorce after all. It came as quite a shock to me as I thought we had agreed to remain "legally separated". My attorney informed me. To say I was stunned would be an understatement. Actually when I got off the phone with the attorney, I said very loudly "you've got to be kidding me"!! Yes, I believe I was directing that straight to the Lord.

Good thing HE wasn't surprised. Was I angry? Yes. Was I scared? Yes. Was I about ready to let a really long stream of cuss words fly? (I am not answering that) It's odd how I was taken so by surprise. It's not that I thought we would get back together but all of a sudden the road I thought I was on just took a quick turn. What about my health insurance? What about support? Why is he changing his mind?

So, on Thursday we had a court hearing. It was already scheduled so we kept the appointment. I showed up at the court house (with a friend that I made stay with me the entire time) and I could not look at Don. I could not speak to him. I think it was okay to feel that way for that day. But I will not stay in that place of anger and bitterness! It's ugly there. It's dark. It's joyless. It's prison.

Sometime in the next 7 days my marriage of 18 years will be officially over. I will be divorced. We will be divorced. Our family will be changed forever, but it won't be destroyed! David and Ellie and I will perservere. We will cling to each other and to the Lord. One of these days we will have hearts that want to pray for Don. But for now we are going to grieve the loss, be thankful for our blessings, share our experience with others and keep believing!

I love the Lord more today than ever in my life! I've asked Him for years to give me a heart that loves Him and He has. We repeat vows at our wedding ceremonies that sometimes as humans we cannot fully keep. However, God can say that He will be with us for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death! He is the promise maker and keeper. Never do we need to doubt.

This week will be a tough one. It will mark both my anniversary and my divorce. But it will also mark the beginning of a new path with my God. Bittnerness? No thanks! I am moving on wherever God leads. Think it's gonna be a great ride!!

Hope Endures

2009-03-26T09:39:00.000-04:00

Would you pray with me today? Our hope does indeed endure!!

What Really Matters Anyway?

2009-03-23T17:05:00.003-04:00

What really matters is a question that's been swirling around in my head the past 24 hours. Just so you know - I do not have an answer, but I am just gonna come here and get out some of what I've been thinking.

Yesterday I woke up with symptoms and was frustrated. I started my conversation with the Lord asking him "why". Why won't He take this illness away? Why is He leaving me this way? Why isn't He intervening in all the other life circumstances I am facing? Why? Why? Why?

In my head I KNOW that He allows it because through it there will be greater glory. He will be glorified. But my heart cries out - ENOUGH!! I want my life back. I want to do things with my kids. I want to be able to run to the grocery store if we're out of something. I want. I want. I want.

After I was certain that God understood where I was coming from, I proceeded to open my emails. Shocked to find so many comments from my last post. That post had been written 5 days before. Usually I will get a few stragglers, not that many. Hmmm...God was up to something. He was encouraging me. Letting me know that for this time He is still using me. I may not like it, but HE KNOWS WHY HE IS ALLOWING IT!!! Maybe if I had my life back, I would not spend any time here with all of you. Maybe I do not fully understand the calling on my life and I need to remain home bound for now.

It is such a privilege to talk with many of you. Either through the blogs, emails, facebook, messenger...God is up to something in our lives. And here is what I am thinking. It's not about the "right now". Am I willing to pour my life out for the sake of others? There are many who are struggling with what they believe. Do they even believe at all. Is the church worth it. Can God be trusted. Huge things that others are grappling with. I am by no means saying that I am here to be THE ONE who brings healing to them. But I would love to be a part of pointing them to Jesus.

This world will come to pass. This is not all there is. If I live the rest of my life with some heartache, with physical limitations but I have somehow done a small part in helping others - it really will be worth it. My life is getting more and more challenging each day right now. I am being knocked around from every direction. Guess that means satan is scared of me. Pray that I will continue to fight the good fight. That I will live my life with integrity. That my eyes will be fixed on the victory and not on the battles.

What really matters? In the end all that matters is Jesus. Do we know Him? Do you know Him? He is real!! He is worth it!! Trust me - I know!

Destiny

2009-03-17T23:40:00.004-04:00

Hey friends! Just checking in. Feel like I owe you a "hello" at least. Don't really have much to say tonight but thought I shouldn't go an entire week without contact. I've still been getting around and visiting most of you but I know some of you check in here and are wondering how we are doing.

That's a loaded question with no simple answer. Probably how most everyone feels if they are completely honest. My life is difficult but so are lots of yours. My life can be really great and so can yours. That's what is so great about doing this thing together. Hopefully we can be honest, transparent and real with each other.

God and I have been doing a lot of talking lately. I've been trying to keep my mouth shut (and my mind from wandering) and just listen to Him. We've been distant. I've been distant. You know what? I've been angry.

That's it. Angry. With God? Yep, with God.

Brings tears to my eyes to even write that. Here is the verse that I am memorizing for the next two weeks. It is from Isaiah. (I know can you believe it? Not like I love that book or anything) Anyway....it is Isaiah 30:18 and these are the words:

Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the LORD is a god of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him.

Do you see that? He LONGS to be gracious to me (to you). He rises to show compassion. Think of something you long for. That is how God longs to be gracious to you. It is a deep desire of His. The end of the verse is the hard part for me.

Wait for him. Wait for him. Wait for him.

He has not forgotten. Not about me. Not about you. He rises from His throne to show us compassion. What a picture is that. Oh, how I love Him.

I am finishing my "Esther" study. Thought there would be some lightening bolt moment for me. There was not. But what I did learn. God is in control. His plan will never be thwarted. Providence. He has a plan for my life. A destiny that only I can fulfill. I can spend my time being angry and questioning. Or spend my time waiting. Waiting for Him to rise up and tell me...."This is it Sheryl. The time has come for you to walk into your destiny. I am so proud! I long to be gracious to you."

Find me faithful, Lord!

There is no Proper Title

2009-03-11T18:19:00.003-04:00

Another one of those...here I am but I don't know what YOU (Lord) want me to say posts. Feel like there's a lot that needs to get out, so you are the lucky ones that get to benefit. (I am so fine if you stop reading now. How would I know anyway?)

Do you ever have days where you are just haunted by wanting to defend yourself? Wanting to tell "your side"? That's been me for the past 3 days. OH I want to speak up. I want to be sure that the whole story is known. I think I've lost sleep over this. (OK, I have lost sleep over this) God keeps telling me that HE is my avenger. HE knows all. HE is watching out for me. HE sees everything. Can't I trust Him? I have picked up the phone. I've thought through my whole conversation. It's been rehearsed. Yet God is not giving me the peace I need in order to "defend myself". For crying out loud, there's not even anything to defend. It's a matter of wanting to be sure that I AM HEARD.

God hears me. He is the best listener. He doesn't tell others. He doesn't judge me. He knows all sides. HE CAN HANDLE THIS!! Yes, I am screaming at myself. I have a slight feeling I will not be pushing the publish button on this one.

Prayers are being answered around here and I am not very happy about that. HA. How's that for honest. I "say" that I want certain things to happen, then they do and I am less than thrilled. Or maybe it's that God is doing it differently than I would have. And, of course, my way would be so much better than God's. When will I ever get this? Truly, God has to be shaking His head at me. (I know I am) Don and David are spending time together (SHOOT!!)

Yet the prayers for healing, for completely healing, are still being answered with "not yet". Physically I want so much more. I really do try to be grateful for all that I do have the ability to do. But there are days where I mourn the loss of freedom that comes with good health. Guess today is just one of those days. And, I know that's ok.

Under attack. I guess that's what this is. When my sleep is being robbed. When my joy is circumstantial. When my emotions are all over the board. I need to remember that I am probably in the snares of satan's schemes. God has brought me too far to lose ground now. David and Ellie and I are being held in the hands of GOD!! He doesn't lose sight of us for one second. Those are not just words. That is truth. (oh, and I guess He's watching out for Don too - but today that doesn't thrill me!!) Hope you know that I will get over that attitude soon but you'll never find anything here but me being real.

Whew...I feel better. Nothing like a good therapy session with Lila (laptop) and all of you to make me feel less burdened. God, help me to take on your yoke. Get in there with you!! You do the leading. You take up for me. Who better than you to see that grace and mercy are handed out. Lord, change my heart for the thousandth time today. Love ya, Lord. (and love you too. if you made it this far - thanks!)

Struggling to See

2009-03-05T17:57:00.004-05:00

Wow, can we go back to the days where I was answering your questions and talking about growing my chin hair long enough to cover up my long teeth. Sheesh, life is hard! This is not gonna be a fun post. This is mostly just going to be me venting so that I don't implode.

To say that I survived the other day at the courthouse is about as good as it gets. Don and I were left alone to sit at opposite ends of the cold marble bench outside the courtoom for well over an hour. Not fun. But in that time I just kept picturing all of you praying on my behalf and I know that's what got me through. Nothing has been decided and we'll do it again on the 26th. (oh joy!!) Actually, since I know that God is in every detail of this, I am trusting that there is a great reason to all meet again and a reason for the delay.

Life has blown up in our faces around here. David is a mess. I have a whole new respect for my parents right now. How did they watch all three of their children choose paths of destruction. Of course, we all thought we were invinsible! It's hard to watch David. I want to protect him. I want to make it all better. I want to take the pain away. Lord...move in his life like never before. Let this time of extreme pain be used to refine us all.

In thinking about how my parents must have felt it leads me to wonder...how does God watch us make mistake after mistake. He has the plans for us to live a life with a hope and a future and yet we choose differently. We choose. That's the problem right there. Instead of knowing and believing that HE knows best, we often make our own choices without even seeking Him. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that we deliberately snub God. But somewhere we say that we don't need him on this one. Or this isn't important enough. Or He's too busy with someone else. What lies. Oh Lord Jesus, grab my attention right now. Teach me. Make me different. I don't know what you are doing - but help me to trust your heart that you make all things good. YOUR good may not be MY good. I'm believing that it will be better...

Never Would Have Thought

2009-03-02T13:46:00.003-05:00

Can't believe I am doing some of things I am doing. In a few minutes, I leave for the courthouse. Today we are having a "settlement conference" with the judge regarding our separation. We will both have our attorneys with us. Never would have thought I'd find myself doing these things. God knew. Boy am I glad that this does not take Him by surprise.

Never thought I'd really have to parent a teenager. (yea, I know, how does one have a child or two and think they can escape the teenage years) I guess what I really mean is that I didn't think my kids would come from a broken home in their teenage years. My David is struggling. Making choices that he shouldn't be making. It's hard to watch. Glad that God is watching over him. So glad that God loves him even more than I do.

Trying to just trust God today. Be still. Believe in hope. Believe God. Lord, I just want to believe you today.

One Decision, One Year Later

2009-02-24T01:18:00.004-05:00

It is almost impossible for me to believe that it's been a year. One year ago today, Don left. We separated after being married 17 years. Now it's been an entire year of our lives that we've spent apart. An entire year that neither of us can ever get back.

It all started with one decision. In all honesty we know that a marriage doesn't end over one decision but on that particular day, it took one decision to decide to separate. That decision was mine. I made it. I suggested it. No, I demanded it. Finally. Deep down I knew that there was no way our family could heal if we stayed together. For years I had pushed that knowledge down because I didn't want to be alone. It was too scary a thought for me. For years I denied the truth that was staring me in the face. Nothing would ever change if everything remained the same. I feared that if we lived apart that I wouldn't have control (never had it in the first place). I feared that he might choose to truly walk away and not get the help we all needed. I feared that he might find someone else. I feared! All the what-ifs kept me from making a decision that so desperately needed to be made.

By no means am I saying that Don was the only one at fault. It always takes two. But I believe I enabled an unhealthy marriage to continue to die without having the courage to get it the help it needed. One decision. Can't turn back time but I wish I had made that decision years ago. Our family might still be in tact. But, here's the thing...God's timing is perfect. That decision was meant to be made on just that day.

That day. It also marks the day I said good-bye to an addiction that had held me in bondage for the 5 previous years. When I needed to escape or calm the anxiety or fill the boredom IT was there. I didn't consciously decide to put away that addiction on that day, it was just a non-issue from that point on. How is that even possible? At the time in my life when I would think I would run to it for comfort and escape, it was no longer necessary. Only God. I didn't even ask for Him to take it away. I believe He came in and filled the empty places - the places that I had thought Don would fill - the places that never got filled because it's impossible for another human to fill them. I didn't need to run to "it" any more to escape my life.

One decision. It can change the course of your life and the lives of many others. This alone time, as I've said before, has allowed me to write and to be a part of an online Bible study. I'm not by any means saying that I am glad I got separated so that I could do all these other things. But I am saying that each choice, each decision we make has purpose if we allow God into it. As I am doing the Esther study and learning how critical each step is in our destiny, I want to be sure my steps are following right behind God.

One year later, I find that the one decision has brought healing. It's not the way I thought it was going to look, but the story is not over yet. We have many more decisions to make. Lord, position me in such a way that I am pointing in the direction you want to take me. Keep me open to your calling. Fight off the bitterness that could so easily entangle. Give me a heart and a desire to pray for Don. Wisdom for each new decision. Your wisdom only.

What decisions do you need to make? Each step, each choice we make can bring us closer to our destiny. I pray that you are able to walk in the freedom of Christ, knowing that HE is the one guiding your path.

Celebrating today. NOT my separation. Celebrating a God that loves me enough to bring me peace. Celebrating a God that has given me freedom from addiction. A God that is pursuing my husband's heart. A God that will bring good from all of this. Peace. Right now, there is no greater thing.